For a parent to be fair and give each child equal treatment has never been an easy task. But a good friend of mine living in Jerusalem had an unusual experience that he says made it particularly hard to see all his children in the same light. His wife had given birth to a new baby boy, and the family was celebrating the "Shalom Zachor," a gathering of friends held the Friday night before a baby's Bris.
Suddenly, an old, wizened Sephardic mystic came unexpectedly into the celebration. He quieted the room and announced that the newborn would grow up to be a great Torah scholar. Then, as abruptly as he had entered, the old Kabbalist left, leaving the guests in a state of bewilderment.
Remarkably, some years have passed since that occurrence and the child has, in fact, shown signs of genius. My friend says that the old rabbi's words clearly had their effect, and he wonders whether this child, more than any of his other children, is bound for a life of exceptional greatness.
This story is similar to one in this week's Torah portion, Vayeshev. The Midrash says that from the moment of Joseph's birth, it was clear to his father Jacob that Joseph was very special. To begin with, his facial appearance was remarkably similar to his father. Moreover, Joseph possessed a great deal of "chein" - spiritual charm. Joseph was also the first child born, after many years of waiting, to Jacob's beloved wife Rachel. In short, various realities were conspiring to make Joseph the "special son."
Later, in his teenage years, Joseph has a dream in which the sun, moon, and stars are all bowing down to him. He and the rest of his family correctly surmise that the meaning of the dream is that his father, stepmother, and brothers will all eventually prostrate themselves before him. While Jacob publicly chides Joseph for his dream, the Bible says that Jacob "guarded the matter." Rashi explains this to mean that in his innermost heart, Jacob actually expected the dream to come true.
Given all these factors, it is not surprising that Jacob showed favoritism toward Joseph. Of course, the Bible tells of Jacob giving Joseph a small multi-colored armband. (The Hebrew word kutonet, which has often been translated as a "coat," can just as correctly be understood to mean "armband.") This show of favoritism was just one example; there were undoubtedly other factors which caused the rest of the brothers to feel that Jacob loved Joseph most.
While one can perhaps understand Jacob's behavior, the Talmud roundly condemns his actions, ascribing Jacob's favoritism as the direct cause of the brothers' hatred for Joseph. This hatred in turn led them to sell Joseph as a slave down to Egypt.
Interestingly, it was Joseph's prominence there that ultimately caused the whole family to relocate in the Kingdom of the Nile. Thus, the Sages observe, if Jacob had treated all his children equally, it is entirely possible that the Jews never would have gone down to Egypt in the first place - and the whole period of slavery in Egypt might have been avoided.In a famous pithy phrase, the Sages say: "A small armband caused our people to be enslaved in Egypt."
While we can understand Jacob's plight, the reality is that Judaism demands that we treat all children equally. This is not just because it is good practical advice, but rather because the Torah teaches that everyone has their own unique role to play in this world. Greatness is not determined by what gifts and talents we have, but rather by what we do with those gifts.
Thus, in God's eyes, the average person who has applied his limited skills to the utmost, is greater than the "success" who has coasted with his God-given skills. With such an outlook, there is no place for showing favoritism to one child just because he may have more innate talent than another.
It's a lesson every parent should learn.
(14) Ezra, February 27, 2018 5:31 AM
Backstory of Favoritism is important
Joseph's position as favorite is tied to Rachel being Jacob's favorite. The whole tribe of Israel is the product of Leah and Rachel vying for Jacob's love. Children were used as tokens and their servants were surrogates that kept Jacob hopping from one heifer to the next. Interestingly, by the time Jacob dies, he has willed to be buried next to Leah, not Rachel. Deep love blossoms in time, as God gives growth
(13) Beth, December 7, 2017 5:04 AM
I may spend more time with a child, but it is not favortism.
Excellent article!
Personally, I don't favor any of my children. However, there are times, that some of my children need more of my time as they face different challenges. The other children may feel that I am favoring that child. I need to tell my children, " I love all of you equally and I try to give each of you what I think you need."
(12) Anonymous, December 3, 2015 2:50 PM
Great article! Thanks for posting!
(11) Bracha Goetz, November 22, 2013 1:48 AM
Wonderful!
(10) Otis R. Needleman, November 21, 2013 3:13 PM
My parents did this, big-time.
Am the oldest. Parents openly favored the brother after me. He got everything, got by with everything. I was not treated so well. The "golden boy" died at 27, driving drunk. The one they hated, the one they cursed at and lied to, the one they mistreated, the one they extorted money from - me - I was the one they regularly went to for help. Only helped my parents because of my youngest brother. I hate my parents for the way they treated me and am sure they have already faced Justice. Things still hurt, even after over forty years. When my mother died attended the funeral but inside didn't care. When my father died I didn't bother attending the funeral. I learned how NOT to be a parent from my parents. Don't believe you can treat all children equally. Believe it's better to treat them equitably. Each child is a different, unique person, with their own interests. Treating kids equitably means you provide the same opportunities and support, tailored to the child. But even if you treat your kids equitably, you should love them equally.
(9) Sara, November 27, 2010 5:55 AM
I vowed not to show favoritism
I grew up in a family where my dad always showed favoritism to my sister who was a Leo like himself. In the end it only brought hate and pain between us. The more he showed her favoritism the more she rebelled against him and in the end she died at the age of 30 never becoming what he expected her to be. From my observation on favoritism it seems like the kid that is favorite is the one who seems to struggle the most in life. The kid who is not favored is the one quietly grows up and make something of themselves. The favorite kid grows up expecting their parents to continue to provide for them on a silver platter. Parents create hate between siblings weather they know it or not when they favor one over the other. In the end my dad was taught a valuable lesson when he had no one else to turn to but me. After getting hit by a car I lovenly took care of my dad for 14 years, until his death.
Anonymous, March 22, 2013 1:00 PM
sae but true
I have seen so many similar cases n the child favored never or hardly ever becomes the person their parents want them too n if they do they distant themselves from their parent because of the resentment they now have n the one who they least liked will be the one who stands behind them when they fall I'll or faces another crisis.
(8) Anonymous, May 15, 2009 1:30 AM
Loving yourself treats pains from Favoritism
Favoritism happens to our family too. I am one of the less favored children. My father wants his favorite son to excel in all his undertakings. My father invested everything in him. It is so painful for us to see that. As I grew up I learned to love myself more…it is thru loving ourselves that one can balance the love that was deprived from us.
Anonymous, August 11, 2012 1:34 PM
agree
hey my dad does the same and it is so disappointing since he makes my next brother hate the one who my dad shows favoritism! and the one being favored acts as a king and gets everything and is spoilt! i feel so hurt but i put it in God's hands
lea, November 21, 2013 7:21 AM
BRAVO
It is so. I also learned to love myself more. And guess what? I feel free from recognition and appraciation as well as approval. It's a nice feeling.
(7) Anonymous, September 6, 2008 1:35 PM
When parents make the favoritism so obvious it can really hurt the less favored child. I remember one Hanuka my mom bought us watches. I watched my sister open her $1000 Gucci watch then opened mine expecting something similar. Boy was I hurt to find a $1.99 disposable watch with the price still attached as my gift. Baruch Hashem, my sister and I knew she was the favorite and didn't let it hurt our relationship with each other.
(6) Joe, December 14, 2007 11:35 PM
Favoritism is guaranteed to destroy your family & make it poorer
Here's a warning to families that are thinking of practicing excessive favoritism. Don't do it. It'll destroy your family. In a nutshell, it makes families financially poorer, destroys their heart and soul & the belief of the children in their parents. I know, because I've seen it firsthand in my own. My parents favored my older brother over the 3 of his siblings. He got most of the financially help, raided the family trust and is today destitute. All that money was wasted on him for naught. Instead of helping everyone out equally my parents gave him the lion's share which was a poor decision, because had they spread that help equally, the family today would be much wealthier and spiritually stronger. But they didn't, and now we're all the poorer for it, including the grandkids.
(5) Cooki Maisel, November 27, 2007 9:55 AM
Treat children individually, not equally
I have to disagree with the comment that "Judaism demands that we treat all children equally". Judaism specifically states "Chanoch lana'ar al pi darco," as every child is an individual and requires being educated and treated as an individual in order to develop his own sense of self, according to the way that is most suited to him. Therefore each child requires individual love and attention from his parents in order to grow and develop in a well-adjusted fashion, thereby being able to fulfill the unique role that Hakadosh Boruch Hu has in mind for him, but as no two chidren are equal, they cannot be treated equally either.
Anonymous, November 21, 2013 10:15 AM
you understand
I have five children and I never treated them equally except to love them all the best I could. Everyone got what they needed and some of them needed more attention when they were small. As long as a child feels that his parents see him, and appreciate who he is and show him genuine affection and take pride in him as he is, he will never feel that he is less or more than his siblings. My children rarely fought. They are grown now and get along together.
(4) Scott Granowski, December 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Favoritism
Rabbi Appel writes an insightful column on the topic of favoritism. While all agree that it is wrong, he addresses the inclination of favoritism by seeming to state that greatness is not clearly evident - "success" must be defined against potential, not by results.
(3) Anonymous, November 28, 2002 12:00 AM
thank-you for your words; this helps me as a grandparent, indeed, in many areas of my life-including as a caregiver of 3 cats!!! i do NOT want to show favoritism to one child/person/even kats! over another. thank-you.
(2) carol wasserstein, December 3, 2001 12:00 AM
the importance of not showing favoritism to a child
this will help as i am a parent. thanks, carol
(1) Anonymous, February 9, 2000 12:00 AM
What moral lessons are there in Jacob's favoritism?
One of the great problems with which I have struggled over the years is the issue of "unfairness" in Jacob's preference for Joseph over his brothers. It is deeply troubling that Joseph did nothing to earn his father's favor other than being accidentally pretty or the son of a favorite wife, etc. Yet Jacob prefers him to such an extent that he foolishly grants him privileges that provoke the brothers to commit their infamous crime. This article emphasises that Joseph did have a mysterious talent: that of interpreting dreams. While not excusing Jacob's preference, it goes a bit of the way to explaining it. Thanks!