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How to Create Chemistry

How to Create Chemistry

Yes, you can build chemistry! Here are 8 ways to go about it.


If you’ve read “9 Reasons to Date Your Best Friend” and “7 Ways to Go from Friendship to Relationship” then you already have a framework for taking your friendship to the next level. Now let’s address an issue I regularly run into with my clients, particularly those who started out on a non-romantic foot: Chemistry.

Many people tend to want to throw away a solid relationship when there isn't chemistry. My clients tell me, “Aleeza, chemistry is either there or it’s not. You can’t make it happen.”

Not true.

You can create chemistry. Here are 8 ways to go about it.

1. You gotta want to build it. If both sides are not interested in trying, it doesn’t matter how hard one side tries, the relationship isn’t likely to go anywhere. If you’re the one blocking chemistry from building, look within and see what keeps you from emotionally connecting. If you’re genuinely not interested, then end the relationship. However, if you are interested and just nervous, then do what you have to do to distract yourself from anxiety and allow yourself to build a connection.


2. Be Proactive. Don’t wait until you have the right signs from the other person to try to build chemistry, and don’t wait for them to do the building. If you want to build it then take a page out of Nike’s book and “just do it.” Just put your all into trying to make a connection on a daily basis. Don’t get upset if you get little in return at first. If you build it, they will likely come.

3. Chemistry happens in the moment. Live in the present. Chemistry doesn’t live in the past or the future; chemistry thrives and feeds on the present moment. Make eye contact and have your mind clear and ready for interaction. Don’t be afraid of making a mistake. If you do, just focus on making a fast recovery and coming back to the present moment. Chemistry lives in the present!

4. Timing is key. Don’t forget to HALT. You want to avoid getting together when you’re feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. You should halt in building chemistry until those feelings have passed. It’s better that you take a break and not push yourself when you’re feeling this way, as you’re likely to fail. Once that moment passes you can go back to trying to create chemistry.

5. Night-time dates. There is a different energy that comes about in the evening. While it is possible to make a day date romantic, you have to work harder to get the mood just right. Evening dates are naturally more romantic. Whether it’s dim lighting in a quiet restaurant, or a taking a walk at sunset when there is a natural romance in the air, these dates create the perfect background for chemistry building. Try a night-time date and see if you notice a difference.

6. Let go of your fear. Fear is a blocking emotion. It can help us in times of danger, but at other times it stands in our way. Figure out what you are afraid of, acknowledge it, then let it go. (While this may sound quick and easy, I know it may take all your effort to let go of fear and embrace love. It’s worth working on.)

7. Eyes are the windows to the soul. Spend time together looking into each other’s eyes. It’s not as easy as it sounds, and it is very powerful. Do it. You might want to try maintaining eye contact for 2 minutes straight, without speaking. Remember to slow down both your breathing and your thinking. This may sound silly, but in practice you’ll see all sorts of things come up for you emotionally. You may want to laugh or break the eye contact; that’s normal. Do your best to hold the gaze and see how the chemistry and conversation builds afterwards.

8. Embrace your new romance, buy a meaningful gift. Showing someone you care with a small gift has the potential to increase your chemistry and connection. It’s more about what you buy than how much you spend. A gift is a way of showing someone that you care enough to think of them even when you’re not with them and know what they like. The right gift says, “I get you and I like you,” which is a message that can have a major impact.

Building chemistry is an art, not a science. You need to experiment with chemistry in many different ways to try and get a relationship going. How would you advise others to build chemistry? Share in the comment section below.

July 26, 2015

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Visitor Comments: 8

(8) Anonymous, August 20, 2015 5:48 PM

We don't all need the same things

I can agree with all you said. All impt points. For me I can some it up in a nutshell, my Dad was very kinds and special and could compliment easily. Sometimes you need someone who is a little like your Dad, just enough to feel like you didn't marry an alien. Something in common is REALLY important.
People can often grow apart. Sadly.

(7) Linda, July 31, 2015 6:46 PM

Married 50 years

My husband and I have been married for 50 years and we have worked very hard to make it a happy one. We definitely started with chemistry and we try to keep the chemistry alive. Don't take each other for granted! Say please and thank you. Give hugs and kisses. Give presents that show love--even if you just bring home her favorite candy bar. We always hold hands, especially while we watch TV together or see a movie. Compliment each other and be gentle with criticism. Ask for what you want and need! Send each other beautiful cards that say what you feel. There are a thousand ways to cultivate chemistry and they all begin with a smile!

(6) Rochel G, July 30, 2015 7:31 PM

very nice

If you don't like yourself too much, or certain of your own family members (even if your solution is just to keep away from them), then, when you find someone you really "like", you might just start to "hate" them, because that's what you do with people you like. And it's not about no chemistry. It's about a bad habit. You can't even know if you have chemistry when you have this auto-disgust thing going on.

(5) Dvirah, July 30, 2015 4:39 PM


I'd like to point out that once married, the same two people will need to interact even when they (either one or both) are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (or any combination of these conditions). So I think they need to test how they react to each other under those circumstances. Not necessarily the time for building Chemistry, true, but still a time to practice the relationship.

(4) julie, July 30, 2015 2:31 PM


My father always told me little things say a lot ... A little kind word of action says so much & means so much to the right person ...kindness is s good foundation to build love on.

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