Dear Emuna,
My husband owns a very profitable business. He puts in long hours because he’s responsible for its success or failure – and because he really enjoys it. He also has to travel quite frequently. I miss him but I recognize the necessity. However, recently he planned a 10-day trip overseas two weeks after our 5th child is due. I’m beside myself with anger and frustration. He’s either going to miss the birth altogether or leave me to cope with a new baby and the other kids right after I give birth when I will be exhausted and overwhelmed. I can’t believe he doesn’t get it. Help!
Going Out of My Mind
Dear Frustrated Wife,
It’s clear that your husband doesn’t get it. Much of that may be to your credit. You clearly run the household so competently and efficiently that it doesn’t occur to him that you will need his help! It’s probably better to start with an assumption of good will on his part and his belief in you. Nevertheless you need to educate him about your needs. It’s amazing you’ve waited this long!
The secret to doing this effectively will be your tone and manner. If you express yourself harshly, giving vent to your anger and frustration, it’s unlikely he will get the message. As with all communication, use a calm, quiet tone of voice. Start with words of praise for him as a husband, father and provider. Then you can explain how the timing of his next business trip is not exactly convenient and politely ask that he reschedule. You can also explain how much you enjoy having him around for the birth and to greet the new baby. Chances are he wants to be there himself and just hadn’t thought it through. The expression of your desire for his presence because of your love for him and your children’s love for him is likely to be much more effective than an angry demand. There are no guarantees but this approach has the greatest chance of success.
Difficult Child
Dear Emuna,
I have one very difficult child. He is completely undisciplined and flaunts all of our household rules. I’m concerned about his influence on his younger siblings and it’s reached the point where we’re thinking of exercising some tough love and sending him to live out of the house until he gets his act together. What do you think?
Struggling Parent
Dear Struggling,
You’ve left out many details – the age of the children, the nature and degree of the rebellion etc. But the truth is, unless there is serious physical or emotional harm/abuse of the other children at stake, I think my advice would be the same. The best message you can give him and your other children is one of unconditional love. He may lose certain privileges (access to the car for example) but he should never lose his home. I think that if you are concerned for his younger siblings (and I understand that concern), the bigger danger is that they would get the message that if they don’t behave they will be thrown out of the house. Parenting requires endless patience and bottomless love, despite our children’s behavior. Bombard your challenging child with love and remember that you are all only in the middle of the journey. Hang on tight and you should all get to the end safely. And if ever there was a time to pray, to ask for the Almighty’s help, this is certainly it!
Drugging the Kids
Dear Emuna,
My husband and I are flying with our 3 young children from Los Angeles to Israel for a family simcha (celebration) in August. I am dreading the experience (the flight, not the simcha!) and I’m thinking of drugging myself (Ambien, Tylenol PM) and/or the kids (Benadryl) to help us cope. What’s your position on this?
Not a Pharmacist
Dear Not a Pharmacist,
Neither am I. I think this is very individual although I wouldn’t do anything without consulting a doctor. I personally don’t like to take drugs except where absolutely necessary and I am very hesitant to give them to children for convenience and not illness. On the hand, if they are ill, I am in favor of modern medicine, antibiotics and, for myself, lots of Advil for neck pain! Am I giving conflicting messages? I’m too much of a control freak to take something that will put me to sleep and many Ambien users have experienced short term memory loss which seems a high price to pay (although sleepless nights seem to lead to short term memory loss as well!) Bottom line: No fixed rule. Speak to your doctor. Use with discretion. You’re the parent and you know what you can cope with or can’t.
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(8) Beverly Kurtin, May 22, 2013 7:17 PM
Travelling is not always optional
Because my former husband could not earn much over minimum wage, I had to be the bread winner in our home. Unfortunately, I worked for a text book publisher and had to travel Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. That meant that hubby was an at home father.
Every Monday morning I had to drive 300-500 miles to get into my territory. At times I could just leave my car at an airport and fly home for the weekends. Thankfully, I worked the same times that the colleges did, so I had six week breaks twice a year.
I empathise with the woman. Since I was not working for myself, I could fly home in case of emergencies. Why her husband is planning a trip around the time of his wife's giving birth is a puzzlement. I don't know his situation but in selling it is not always possible to make deals at your convenience.
Does he have a choice? Is there a window of opportunity that will not be available at a later time? I feel for her but understand him. Aarrgghhhhh....
(7) Anonymous, May 12, 2013 4:15 PM
AMBIEN!?!? Definitely not for children
To the woman who is going to Israe with her children. If the kids are above 10 years old I would recommend Tylenol PM. Everyone needs a good couple of hours of sleep for such a long flight. From experience, Ambien can cause all kinds of side effects, too numerous to mention here. Have a safe trip
(6) Joey, May 10, 2013 9:11 PM
To the First Question
Obviously your husband should try to reschedule this trip if possible, and I think Emuna's advice is good. If changing his plans is totally impossible, though, is there a way you could get another source of help: say, a proud grandparent eager to see the new baby, an aunt, etc.?
God bless to all!
(5) MIriam, May 8, 2013 4:42 PM
To tough love parent
I love Emuna's advice. Also: Have you tried finding some way for your child to succeed outside the home? Music lessons, a hobby, something he's good at and can enjoy? (I've even had my child "work" in a job I thought she'd be good at and I gave the "employee" the money to pay my daughter! It was worth it!)
(4) dina strauss, May 7, 2013 9:58 AM
Hire help!
To the lady who doesn't want her husnad to take a trp after she gives birth - if your husband is such a successful businessman, HIRE HELP for when he is gone!
Fay, May 9, 2013 3:54 PM
Hired help cannot replace a husband at such an important time!
Obviously this woman can afford help. Raising children is a two-parent job and the whole family is affected when there's a new baby. She needs to hire all the help she can get; but she needs her partner to be with her as well. The other children need one parent around who's not exhausted and taking care of a newborn 24/7.
(3) sonia, May 6, 2013 8:42 PM
Do NOT take medicine "just in case"!
Dear Not a Pharmacist, I AM a biochemist. And if you are stressing yourself with potential problemas -from May to August!- you're exaggferating, tu put it softly. And giving your children medication, jut im case some problem arrives, is not a good example. A flight abroad is a wonderful adventure. Who would want to sleep to avoid it? Yes, children may be bored through the long flight. You'll need patience, not being asleep uyourself! Sounds you're frightend, and it has no sense. Talk to other mothers who travel, who have family in other places. Plan games and songs to entertain your kids. Put the oldest as chief song singer. Be creativem youy have months in advance to thrill the kids with joyful expectation. You're going to israel, clap your hands in joy!
dalia, May 9, 2013 7:50 PM
Do you have experience flying with small children?
To Sonia, you don't sound like you know what its like on a plane with children, toddlers and babies. It is normal to be nervous even months beforehand. To the mother going to Israel: The key is planning activities, bringing books, or interesting things for them to do, take a deep breath and do your best. But no matter what, do NOT sing or purposely plan to have your kids sing. The other passengers might want to throw you off the plane if you and your whole family start singing. Chewing gum (if age appropriate) or sucking on a lolly, blowing their nose or drinking (maybe from a bottle) will help young children relieve the pressure in their ears during takeoff and again during landing. The inner ears of children are shaped in a way that could cause great pain on plane trips. You may want to bring along tylenol in case you suspect that may happen. Enjoy your trip : )
(2) Yael, May 6, 2013 3:01 PM
Don't drug yourself, maybe the kids
Check with your doctor on dosing for the kids, and try it out first at home- Benadryl makes some kids hyper. Once you've done that, you can always keep it as a back-up plan if you need it. Personally, I find DVD players much more effective. And hit a discount store for new little toys, a notebook or coloring book for each kid, and their ow crayons.
Please never drug yourself while traveling with children. You can't afford to be too sleepy to take care of them. What if someone gets sick or there is an emergency of some kind? Instead, plan some rest/sleep time for yourself once you arrive at your destination.
(1) Scott, May 5, 2013 4:55 PM
No
I'm sorry but don't you have the ability to tell your husband "No"?
If I planned to leave my wife in the first few weeks after a birth she'd simply say "No." And I'd have to respect it because she's my wife. Maybe I'm crazy but that's what marriage is sometimes.
My first child spent a month in the hospital after she was born. How could I not be there? How could I not have planned to be there just in case? If your husband is such a successful businessman and runs his own company how is he not smart enough to know that should something happen, he'll have to break his business commitments and then explain to his business associates that he made the commitments contingent on everything going perfect with the birth of his child? Why do I think this way?
I was a CPA in the states and unfortunately my wife and I had a still birth in the late stages of her pregnancy. It happened in late March and I had made no plans to deal with the last part of tax season should something like this have happened. I mean people have babies every day. Of course my clients were understanding of the unexpected extensions and inexact estimates in some cases, but several left after that tax season. One said "I understand that you had something happen...but I can't leave my business in the hands of a sole practitioner any more. Get a partner or tell me about a back up plan for next time and I'll stay, but I gotta make sure that this doesn't happen again."
You husbands trip is not only extremely inconsiderate. It's bad business. Just say no.