Contemplate the sad fate of a pretty girl growing up in the shadow of her Beauty Queen older sister. Now you’ll understand why I feel sorry for Committed, the sequel to Liz Gilbert’s wildly popular memoir, Eat, Pray, Love. While Eat, Pray, Love has been translated into more than 30 languages, is being made into a major motion picture starring Julia Roberts, and occupied the throne of #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List for a whopping 57 weeks, Committed, released a scant five weeks ago, enjoyed one glorious week in the #1 position and is already wending its way down.
In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth tells the tale of her one-year quest to find wholeness after a devastating divorce, a miserable love affair, and a deep depression. She travels to Italy, India, and Bali, masterfully recounting her inner and outer adventures. In Bali she meets a Brazilian man 17 years her senior, whom she pseudonymously calls “Felipe.” The book concludes with her and Felipe deciding to live together in America, Australia (where his grown children live), Brazil, and Bali.
Their love story picks up in Committed. They have settled in Philadelphia, and have pledged to each other lifelong fidelity. In addition, since they are both survivors of painful divorces, they have, as Elizabeth writes, “sworn with all our hearts to never, ever, under any circumstances marry.” The villain who wrecks their dreams then appears: the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security. One fateful day at the Dallas airport, Felipe is stopped by the authorities, interrogated for six hours, and then told he will not be allowed to enter the U.S. ever again. Felipe’s only hope of return, Officer Tom suggests to them, is to get married.
Why is Liz Gilbert so utterly opposed to the “institution of marriage”?
They spend the next ten months traveling in Southeast Asia, the cheapest place to live, since Eat, Pray, Love has not yet burst into stardom. Outwardly, they are “killing time,” waiting for the bureaucratic process to grant Felipe’s fiance visa. Inwardly, Elizabeth is going through an even more arduous process, trying to make peace with what she repeatedly calls “the institution of marriage.”
And here is where Committed turns off most of its reviewers and readers. The author launches into a historical and sociological exploration of marriage in the Western world. “I hoped that all this studying might somehow mitigate my deep aversion to marriage," she explains on page 22. "What I really wanted, more than anything, was to find a way to somehow embrace marriage to Felipe when the big day came rather than merely swallowing my fate like a hard and awful pill.”
She never really manages to sweeten the pill. The subtitle of the book is, “A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage,” but, alas, only after a couple hundred pages of resistance more virulent than Davy Crockett’s at the Alamo. At the end, her “Peace with Marriage” is like Egypt’s cold peace with Israel -- no blood shed, but no love lost. Even I, a fan who would read Liz Gilbert even if she wrote computer manuals, was losing patience by page 250. It felt like trying to get a cranky toddler, kicking and screaming, into the bathtub. I felt myself through clenched teeth saying, “Just do it, Liz, just do it.” After all, 75% of divorced people do get married again. Why all the fuss?
In that sense, the book is really a mystery, and the “Whodunit” question is: Why is Liz Gilbert so utterly opposed to the “institution of marriage”? I put that phrase in quotes because every time she used it, I bridled (no pun intended). Usually, the term “institution” is juxtaposed to the word, “home.” Children raised in an “institution,” which is by definition cold and unloving, turn out differently than children raised at “home,” a place of warmth and belonging. I have been living for 25 years in an observant Jewish community, a quite marriage-centered society, and I have never once heard the term “institution of marriage” used here. Instead, the Jewish idiom for marriage is “building a home.” The traditional blessing given to every bride and groom is: “May you merit to build a Jewish home.”
Is a person (especially a woman) diminished or enhanced by marriage?
This distinction is important, because while a “home” fosters growth, in Elizabeth’s mind marriage stifles, restricts, and inhibits. (Think of such “institutions” as reform schools, prisons, and mental hospitals.) The basic question with which Elizabeth grapples (and grapples and grapples!) is: Is a person (especially a woman) diminished or enhanced by marriage?
Giving It All Away
Indeed, the essence of Elizabeth’s stubborn, almost pathological, resistance to marriage is embedded in the story of her Grandmother Maude’s coat. Grandma Maude was born, on a farm in Minnesota in 1913, with a serious cleft-palate deformity. Even after surgery, she was left with a visible scar in the middle of her face that rendered her, in everyone’s estimation, unmarriageable. Since she would have to support herself through life, she was allowed to finish high school (a luxury her siblings on the farm were not granted). After graduating, while all the other girls in her society were hunkering down to marriage and motherhood, Maude embarked on a great adventure. She traveled to Montana all by herself, worked in a restaurant, got herself a haircut and a fancy permanent wave from an actual hairdresser, went to the movies, and read books. Returning to Minnesota, she got a job as a housekeeper and secretary to the wealthy Mrs. Parker, a socialite who threw parties with the best steaks, booze, and cigarettes.
Writes her adulating granddaughter Liz: “Her youthful independence is best epitomized by one symbol: a gorgeous wine-colored coat with a real fur collar that she bought for herself for $20… I believe you could pick your way through my family’s genealogy with tweezers and never find a woman before Maude who’d ever bought something so fine and expensive for herself.”
Then, to everyone’s surprise, Maude married a handsome, hardworking farm boy. She moved into a single, Spartan room in her father-in-law’s small farmhouse, and proceeded to give birth to seven children. “Her life after that was pretty much unremitting hardship and hard work,” writes Liz. The cruelest cut came when Maude’s first daughter was born. Maude cut up her cherished wine-colored coat and used the material to sew a Christmas outfit for the new baby.
Her anguished granddaughter writes: “That has always been, in my mind, the operative metaphor for what marriage does to … the women in my family…. Because what my grandmother did with her fine coat (the loveliest thing she would ever own) is what all the women of that generation (and before) did for their families and their husbands and their children. They cut up the finest and proudest parts of themselves and gave it all away.”
Elizabeth's core mistake is assuming that the purpose of life is self-expression rather than self-transcendence.
With that, Elizabeth unveils the fear that spawned this entire book, her desperate attempt to understand the purpose of marriage in the Western world. But asking what is the purpose of marriage requires asking what is the purpose of life, because marriage is just one course in the great curriculum called “life.” Elizabeth makes her core mistake in assuming that the purpose of life is self-expression rather than self-transcendence.
Why Marriage Matters
Elizabeth, who spent four months in an Indian ashram (chronicled in Eat, Pray, Love) on her hands and knees scrubbing the temple floors, surely learned there that the enemy of the Higher Self is the ego, which must be tamed, trained, trounced, and transcended. Liz’s guru would have considered the fancy-coat-decked-out Maude, enjoying hairdressers, movies, and sumptuous parties, to be a deluded prisoner of her own ego, and the married, mothering Maude, in giving and serving mode, to be cutting through a bar of that prison every time she put others first. (Indeed, Liz is flabbergasted when her grandmother tells her that the happiest period of her life was not when she worked for Mrs. Parker, but rather the first few years of her marriage.)
When self-transcendence is the goal, marriage is not the great spoiler, but rather the great facilitator. The daily discipline of relinquishing your preferences for your spouse, of going Chinese when you prefer Italian, of sleeping with the thermostat set to a frigid 64 when you prefer 68, can liberate you from the prison of egotism and self-centeredness.
Judaism, alone among the great religions, has always regarded marriage as the highest spiritual path. After documenting how early Christianity was pro-celibacy and anti-marriage, Elizabeth asserts: “So when modern-day religious conservatives wax nostalgic about how marriage is a sacred tradition that reaches back into history for thousands of uninterrupted years, they are absolutely correct, but in only one respect -- only if they happen to be talking about Judaism.”
According to Torah [Genesis 1:27], the first human being was created half male and half female. Then this androgynous being was separated, with God detaching one side (not rib, as often mistranslated, but side) to become a separate female being. The primordial wholeness can be restored only through marriage. When two Jews marry, something mystical happens under the chuppah; their two souls are fused into one. And this new, joint entity can become the resting place for the Divine Presence in this world. Indeed “bayit,” the Hebrew word for “home,” is the same word used for the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, where the Shechinah or Divine Presence, the manifestation of the Infinite God in the finite world, dwelled. As the Talmud states: “No man [should be] without a woman, no woman without a man, and both of them not without the Shechinah.”
Rather than diminishing the self, marriage expands the self to include the spouse.
Rather than diminishing the self, as Elizabeth fears, marriage expands the self to include the spouse. In this sense her metaphor of marriage as relinquishing the fine “coat” is apt. A coat encloses the person and protects her from cold, wind, and other outside forces. A coat delineates the borders of the self; there is no room for anyone but you inside your coat. By contrast, a chuppah is a piece of fabric that protects all those who stand under it: the couple and their families. The chuppah symbolizes the home (there’s that word again) that the new couple is about to build. It is their shared garment and shared goal.
In Judaism, the purpose of marriage is to create a sacred space where the Divine Presence can dwell. Since the Holy Temple was destroyed, there is no other way to bond with God on all levels than through bonding with one’s spouse.
This process is difficult (as all worthwhile endeavors are) because men and women are so different in their physical, psychological, and spiritual make-up. That’s why commitment is necessary. As beautifully illustrated in Aish.com's video “Burn Your Bridge”, as long as there’s an escape route, a person will take it when the going gets rough. When there’s no escape route, a person will tap every bit of his/her potential to fight for victory.
Relationships sans marriage have many convenient exits. Once a person commits to marriage, however, there’s only one exit: divorce. While Elizabeth, with her Christian background, regards divorce as “sinful,” in Judaism divorce is a valid exit offered by the Torah. Even so, the door of divorce is a tight, barbed wire trimmed exit; no one gets through it unscathed. Which is precisely why the married person is more apt to stretch, change, adapt, and grow in order to make the relationship succeed.
As Rabbi Nachum Braverman explained the Jewish view of commitment and divorce: “What is my commitment to my hand? I'm not committed to my hand. I AM my hand.” In a similar way, your spouse is part of you. And as you wouldn’t amputate your hand unless it became gangrenous and was threatening your life, so divorce, which is an actual amputation, should be considered only when keeping the relationship is killing you.
Greek vs. Hebrew
After conducting a mental debate with the author throughout Committed, I was startled to turn a page near the end and find my debate in print. Elizabeth comes to the conclusion that she is so stubbornly resisting marriage because she is “Greek,” as opposed to “Hebrew.” She explains:
It has long been understood by philosophers that the entire bedrock of Western culture is based on two rival worldviews -- the Greek and the Hebrew -- and whichever side you embrace more strongly determines to a large extent how you see life.
From the Greeks… we have inherited our ideas about secular humanism and the sanctity of the individual… “Hebrew” is shorthand for an ancient worldview that is all about tribalism [Her repeated references to Jewish “tribalism” make me feel like I’m wearing a tiger-tooth necklace with a bone dangling from my nose], faith, obedience, and respect… The collective is more important than the individual, morality is more important than happiness, and vows are inviolable.
The problem is that modern Western culture has somehow inherited both these ancient worldviews -- though we have never entirely reconciled them because they aren’t reconcilable… Our [American] legal code is mostly Greek; our moral code is mostly Hebrew. We have no way of thinking about independence and intellect and the sanctity of the individual that is not Greek. We have no way of thinking about righteousness and God’s will that is not Hebrew.
…The perfect Greek lover is erotic; the perfect Hebrew lover is faithful. Passion is Greek; fidelity is Hebrew.
In the end, with the Department of Homeland Security holding the shotgun, Greek Elizabeth marries Felipe. And this Hebrew reader hereby gives her a wedding gift in the form of this blessing: All that you were searching for in Italy (pleasure), in India (closeness to God), and in Bali (balance), may you find at home within your marriage.
(48) chaya sarah stark, August 1, 2014 8:05 PM
Cutting ourselves up and giving ourselves away
the story with the coat is so compelling . Truly j, is there any other way to be married and raise children other than consistently cutting ourselves into little pieces and giving ourselves away.
I found Gilbert's naaration of her divorce and her search for values in other countries a bit shallow. Here she is with a great guy that she loves, and the only thing missing is th "cutting herself up". Ie committment. I'm glad it all worked out in the end. We might think of using the INS to solve the shidduch crisis in our community. !!! Thanks for a great piece of writing as always.
(47) Anonymous, April 11, 2013 1:44 PM
Brilliantly said.
I just finished reading both of E.G.'s books and while I was pleasantly surprised by the first one, my reaction to Committed was exactly the same as yours. Thank you for putting it in words much more elegantly than I could have expressed it. Having gone through a divorce myself, I understand people being reluctant to give marriage another go. (Widows/widowers who were happily married are much more likely to remarry sooner. They know the possibilities for joy. Divorcees mostly know the possibilities for pain and devastation.) Nevertheless, I would have thought that having been in the ashram (I'm not advocating an ashram, here, mind you!) and practiced transcending her limitations, she might have seen the similar possibilities inherent in a good marriage. I particularly loved Sarah Yoheved's continuation of the coat analogy. It was spot on. Thank you!
(46) Ruth Broyde Sharone, January 25, 2012 8:22 PM
Kudos to Sara Yoheved Rigler
A brilliant analysis of Eat, Pray, Love and the anti-marriage clues scattered throughout. Also, the comparison of the Greek vs. Hebrew sensibilities of our civilization was fascinating. Great to find your article on line. I'm in LA and hope to hear you speak next time you're in my part of the world. Ruth@minefieldsandmiracles.com
(45) Molly, January 8, 2012 6:59 PM
Great Article!
I really enjoyed this article. I love being married! I think that the way marriage is discussed in the media these days is very depressing and unrealistic. Many young women talk about waiting to get married "until you know who you are", as if it's some sort of jail sentence. I also think it's unrealistic to think that you are sharing true intimacy with someone you are unwilling to make a commitment to. There is a wonderful sense of trust and peace once you make those vows with your beloved. I married young, 20, but I have never regretted it. Marriage can bring wonderful things to your life. It is like taking a vacation with someone you love. It may not be for everyone, but it's a wonderful adventure, not something to be avoided in a loving relationship!
(44) KAY, January 2, 2011 3:35 PM
EAT,PRAY,LOVE
I just recently watched Eat, Pray, Love with my daughter and some of her friends. We were disturbed with the story of her divorce. We saw no evidence that she took her marriage seriously or that she tried to work with her spouse to save her marriage. She simply discarded the unwated spouse like a unwanted pair of socks. We were all quite grateful that there were no children involved. Some people whine all the time about not "being happy" but the same people are unable to define happy. Certainly one can eat, pray and love along with the spouse they have already married ....
Anonymous, April 11, 2013 1:34 PM
Discretion
Just to help you judge her favorably - the movie is an abbreviation of the book. In the book, she makes a point of not delving into the reasons her marriage failed, which I think was respectful of her ex-husband's privacy, for surely he would not have wanted their private lives exposed like this. I actually give her credit, given how celebrities feel no shame at sharing all the intimate details of their relationships with their exes, for being, on that point, discrete. We don't know if or how they tried to work on their relationship - nor should we.
(43) Anonymous, April 11, 2010 3:05 AM
Great article!
I really enjoyed Elizabeth Gilberts book for the honesty of her feelings regarding committing to another marriage and the fear of going through "it" again. I found myself also mentally having to battle a lot of the stuff that came up that was diametrically opposed to Torah way of life, but on the whole, her inner battle and her fears in many ways mirrored my own, as a recently divorced woman.
(42) Raisy, March 14, 2010 4:02 AM
egocentric
I'm surprised, Sara Yoheved, that you are such a fan of this author. Sure, she's a terrific writer, but she is the quintessential new-age, morally relativistic modern feminist. And so promiscuous. I was fascinated by the book, but also disgusted at the ease with which she was in and out of bed, spending weekends with men with whom she was supposedly not intimate. I guess I just can't be a fan of someone so amoral--even if she does purportedly surrender her ego at an ashram and scrub floors. I Thank G-d I was raised with inner and outer modesty.
SusanE, June 2, 2015 3:45 PM
I agree.
The female in the story was immoral and unethical. And after sampling many, she found herself a rich older man. She was not a nice woman. Julia Roberts was perfectly cast.
(41) Chana Jenny Weisberg, March 4, 2010 9:30 AM
Love this article!
Thanks for writing this article, it's perfect!
(40) Anonymous, March 4, 2010 2:04 AM
To #39 Grouping the Christians together.
To Lea: The Catholic Church was called the Christian Church up to the Reformation, when Protestants started calling themselves Christians (500 yrs ago) then the other Christians started to call themselves Catholics. Christ-ians is those who believe Jesus is their savior. All churches believe and teach this, they are called Christian churches. If a church is not Christian,(they do not believe that) then it would not be called a church. The common belief in JC is why Catholics and Protestants are grouped together being called Christians, and because the Catholic church was called Christians before Evangelicals churches even existed. If two brothers hate each other, but came forth from the same Mother and Father, they are still called brothers. Even if they are so opposite from each other in character and traditions. This is why you hear Jews grouping the two together. The New Testament was written in Greek, Liz's mindset comes from the New Testament.
(39) Lea, March 2, 2010 11:10 PM
Love the article, but...
I love the article, but I feel compelled to correct you on one thing - Christianity is not Catholicism exclusively. Jewish people in particular seem to lump us all together. Catholicism advocates celibacy, but Evangelical Orthodox Christianity does not. We basically feel the same about marriage as Jewish people do. We are not all Catholics, and through the centuries there have always been evangelical Christians, who were not Catholic.
(38) Shaindy, February 28, 2010 9:48 PM
G-d works in mysterious ways...
Just a couple of days ago, I heard an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert on the radio and I was thinking that her book sounded really interesting. Now I open up my email and find my weekly Aish email with a link to a story about her books. Just goes to show you how G-d works, even in something minor like this. Incidentally, Ms Gilbert was asked, if she had the chance to go back and undo the marriage and have her (now) husband still be able to live in the States, would she dissolve the marriage and go back to just cohabiting. And she said no. Sounds like she's made her peace with marriage.
(37) Anonymous, February 26, 2010 5:08 AM
This was one of my favorite books while at seminary in Israel last year. I actually booked a flight to Italy when I finished the book and left the next morning. I had all of the same feelings you had but while reading Eat, Pray, Love. This was very inspiring to read - you put it so clearly into words. Thank you for sharing and writing this!
(36) Elana, February 25, 2010 6:12 PM
Marriage
You are right; when you are married to normal, stable people, then you can make it work. I have tried for 12 years to try to make a mentally ill person well. He just does not want to be well. I did everything I could, but he does not stop gambling. His mom says he is not the apple of my eye and that is why he is gambling. I say I did not stay married to someone for 12 years if I did not love him; he is gambling and lying that that is why he is no longer the apple of my eye. You need to be careful...you need to leave a marriage if you know that you did everything you could and if you don't the other person will end up destroying you. Also, to # 19, I don't think different cultures have much to do with how a marriage is; or whether someone is carrier oriented. In fact, these days, both partners most always have to work in order to make ends meet. Maybe your spouse is angry because she feels that you do not pull your weight in the marriage. Do not blame your lack of education on your spouse. Go and get one. If your children feel close to her, then that should tell you something.
(35) Braha Bender, February 25, 2010 7:35 AM
Fantastic
Sara Yoheved, Dear, You know you're a delicious writer, but here I actually heard you speaking. It was just like sitting in your living room and hearing your voice rise and fall with the waves of your thoughts and emotions. Thank you for sharing yourself this way. The content spoke to me, because you did. You are a role model to me, in many ways, and I am so glad you're you. Warmly, Braha
(34) Anonymous, February 25, 2010 7:19 AM
Thanks to you for being so connected!
Dear Sara Yocheved, My husband, me, myself, I, and the two of us thank you for your incise and benevolent defense of our people and our husbands, I just finished watching Elizabeth Gilbert speak about herself on TED Talks and had the sudden feeling that I must turn to Aish.com this moment to watch something more Jewish! And there I found your article! How do you like that? So what you said is the truth, my friend. You were there at the top of the page and it was more than apropos, but providence that I read your refute of the institution Liz speaks of. Tonight is Ta'anis Esther and I want to ask you to hold my hand and pray with all of the Jews in the world who are praying right now that we have the kind of lives and loves that the Torah and those who have gone before us have merited, lives of happy marriages and happy children, courage and mercy. Chag Sameach. An easy Fast! Warmly and admiringly, Devorah
(33) Anonymous, February 25, 2010 1:25 AM
so insightful
I know someone who, after a frustrating divorce, said he doesn't need to "experience" marriage again (despite finding someone). His first time didn't end as such a good experience - his wife had some control essentially of him, because no matter what he tried, his wife's family was too involved to give a chance for the two of them to work anything out privately (they lived down the street, she was relatively young...) So he didn't get to the positive experience, of what sharing a marriage can give.
(32) Florian Fribo, February 24, 2010 7:15 AM
As a divorcee that has sworn never to marry again, I must say that the article has given me something to take into consideration on how I want to live the rest of my life and how to get the best out of it.
(31) dina mitrani, February 23, 2010 3:35 PM
wonderful
what a beautiful commentary on this book and on judaism and marriage... as a married woman with two small daughters, and a fan of eat, pray, love, i truly enjoyed reading this review. i will now read committed with a jewish viewpoint and critical mind. thank you!
(30) Anonymous, February 23, 2010 8:12 AM
That was beautifully written
I never respond to articles, but I must say that was a truly beautiful essay, that had a deep impact on me and I plan to share this article with friends.
(29) Anonymous, February 23, 2010 2:01 AM
Fantastic, one of your best yet.
I never even heard of the book under discussion but your analysis was brilliant and the topic moved me to tears. After nearly moving heaven and earth to save my marraige, we are thank g-d doing very well and it was worth every minute and every penny (and there were alot of them!!). Good old Maude, I'm sure she had no regrets cutting up her silly coat for her baby!
(28) SusanE, February 23, 2010 1:37 AM
I Read the Book Eat Pray Love...No Holy Unions There
Eat Pray Love......we read it for Book Club a few years ago. Gilbert is a good writer. It was an easy read, and interesting that she spent time away from the familiar. When one has an important decision to make about how to continue your life, everything is much clearer when you are away from anything familiar.------------------------------- Gilbert talks about trying to find 'wholeness' . If you cut out all the details and asides, the book content is 'She was married, had a lover, got a divorce, layed on the floor and then her lover left her. She went to another country and after an endless 334 pages she found another lover and they swam together. The End.' Well...........at least until Committed could be written when the drama begins yet again. --------------------------------------- I found Gilbert a hard person to warm up to. Her interaction with the characters in the book was almost flip. I understand that the book was written to entertain us and to retell the anguish of her life once again. The word I think of would be drama queen. Some writers say they write books to help others through the same type of problems. She then could have simply read someone elses book, who also felt they had to write one to help others. She feels their marriage was far more complicated and more deeply mourned than another writers. ------------------------ We talk about marriage being holy and enduring and that unity is needed to build a home for a family. I believe that a marriage can only be as holy as the two people united in it.
(27) Linda Cucher, February 22, 2010 7:33 PM
Mysterious paradox
Amazingly, while your energies are focused on being task-centered rather than self-centered...other-oriented instead of "it's all about me"...passion And self-expression are often mysteriously revealed within the intimate emotional safety of married life and home.
(26) , February 22, 2010 3:55 PM
A fantastic essay.
This is the first time I have been moved to write a comment in response to a story on Aish.com. It was moving and brilliantly written.
(25) Lindsey, February 22, 2010 3:44 PM
Great Article!
Great article! I am in Israel and haven't gotten my hands on Committed yet, but Eat Prey Love is one of the things that first led me to explore myself and spirituality leading to Judaism. I love that you found Jewish ideals and implications in Gilbert's entertaining and thought provoking work too! And I love that you highlighted her points from a Jewish perspective without criticizing or dismissing her book as many writers reviewing secular works from a "Jewish standpoint" often do.
(24) Anonymous, February 22, 2010 2:26 PM
It sounds like the author in EPL had her marital views colored by her familial experience--meaning, Maude and etc passed down their views to it as confining. In all honesty to the article author though, there are PLENTY people in the observant community who see marriage as an institution. It was they who passed on the joke, 'marriage is a great institution. The trouble is, it's an institution'. I heard this through religious people. Ideally, marriage should enable both people to form a greater whole than their lonesome selves. Shlomo HaMelech writes, Two are better than one. And when you are with a good partner, that is what happens. You are both better than when you were on your own. This is true in good marriages--religious as well as secular. But let us not overidealize the actualization of this phenomenon. Yes, the Jewish view is so pro marriage. What is happening in reality? I am glad the author and her many friends has a good marriage, and blessings it should continue. But wake up--all over in the religious community there are plenty of people who do not necessarily marry a supportive spouse, or are suffering. Marriage to a good person? Absolutely. Marriage at all costs? No. If it will diminish who you are--not because you chose Chinese over Italian, but will not even allow you to tap who you really are, then you are alone while you have the illusion of not being alone. I believe in the institution of marriage, and to the right individual that you can work well with as a team. I also believe there is a place for the author's view, in terms of questioning marriage at ALL costs. I felt sorry for the author in EPL because she seems to be hurting. And this is why mayabe she is marital averse--she wants to avoid getting hurt. This is really what her 'philosophy' may stem from.
(23) Anonymous, February 22, 2010 1:50 PM
Keeping the marriage...was killing me....it was gangrene.....thank YOU for saying divorce is warranted in such cases . Thank YOU also for article last year explaining that divorce does NOT mean YOU are divorcing G-D. Hashem bless ~ and keep me in your prayers now that I AM divorced and feeling life flowing into me for the first time in over 25 years. There is still much life for me yet to come~the Best !!!
(22) Ayalah, February 22, 2010 1:02 PM
Another First-rate Article by Sara Yoheved Rigler
This excellent commentary by Mrs. Rigler is something I was hoping would appear on Aish.com ever since I heard a promotional interview with Elizabeth Gilbert for “Committed.” Though Ms. Gilbert is a talented writer, she came across as bitter and opinionated in the interview, and certainly not at peace. All that round-the-world searching was for naught if inner harmony is what she was after. I would not in a million years want her life – even with her millions of dollars, fame, and the movie with Julia Roberts in the lead role. I am a Jewish neshama who has returned home to Israel with blessings Ms. Gilbert does not know exist. For example, I get it (!) when Mrs. Rigler writes, “In Judaism, the purpose of marriage is to create a sacred space where the Divine Presence can dwell.” Yasher Ko’ach! Also, Rachel (comment #8) is spot-on with her comments on the cut up fur coat. I couldn’t have said it better. Lastly, rather than commenting on Mrs. Rigler’s article, Mr. Anonymous (comment @19) vented about his marriage, dropping so many hints as to who he and his wife are this could probably qualify as loshon ha-ra and maybe should not have been included in the Comments section. (Aish.com editors do censor out the comments they deem unfit.) His last sentence, a warning to others, is a lame attempt to make his “comment” appear to be about Mrs. Rigler’s article.
(21) sharoan, February 22, 2010 9:56 AM
Keep it strong
great message Many struggle and it;s understandable since the genders are different. I think what people need to remember in order to keep their marriage strong is to nicely communicate what they want and need, and also appreciate each other for the effort each make
(20) Sheyna, February 22, 2010 7:22 AM
Thanks
I just got engaged today, and the way you described a marriage and divorce is something so important and so well said. Thank you so much!!
(19) Anonymous, February 22, 2010 5:06 AM
Marriage Being Difficult!!!
Almost 27 years ago, I married a woman from a different cultural background than my own. Thank G-d we have four wonderful children but I have suffered tremendously in this marriage. Part of the reason is the cultural difference &; part of the reason is that she is mentally unstable. She curses me, belittles me and makes my life miserable but I am staying in this marriage for the children & for future generations. Unfortunately the children feel closer to her which hurts me even though I am the one who always laughs with them while my wife is always serious &; screams all the time. The other problem is that my wife is the breadwinner of the family as I have never had a good job since we have been married. Instead of finishing college and then getting married, I dropped out of college, came to Israel, became religious, got married & as soon as I married her, she showed her true colors. We were married only after six weeks of knowing each other which was a big mistake. I always have regrets of not finishing my degree first & then pursuing marriage, etc. with someone from my own culture and background who respects me. By the way, the fact that my wife works is by her choice because she always has enjoyed working. When we first got married, I did not want her to work as I did make some money working, but she insisted. I also have a job today, but making very little money as I always have since getting married. The problems in our marriage do not stem from my not working but from many other problems as well. I have overheard conversations to the effect that she only got married because she is from a religious family & it is an embarrassment in the religious circles to stay single. The truth of the matter is that she was meant to be a career woman. I wasn't told the whole truth by the matchmaker who happens to be her sister. A warning to others. Know the person well enough before you marry him or her.
(18) , February 22, 2010 4:49 AM
Beautiful!!!
(17) Ruth, February 22, 2010 1:58 AM
Modern Marriage
Unfortunately modern Jewish society does not have high regard for marriage. As I look around in my own Jewish community I see tolerance of adultery, serial monogamy and divorce (for the most trivial reasons). The children of broken marriages become adults who are unable to commit. Even as adults they are still trying to resolve their relatonships with their parents. Just this week we worked with an adult male who is in the divorce process with his own wife and still angry at his father for leaving his mother decades ago. What a burden we hand our children when we divorce. We tell children whose parents are divorcing that both parents still love them. But 5 years after divorce half of non custodial parents have no contact with their children. The situation is very disturbing. We as a community must better support marriage and turn away from those who undermine the family. No more acceptance for adultery.
(16) Chaya, February 21, 2010 10:27 PM
Thanks!
Thank you. You prove me the value of marriage and it's ongoing importance by the sole fact that you write such a wholehearted and inspiring article while being urself married.
(15) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 10:00 PM
so well phrased and written...
i am just hoping that Liz gilbert gets to read this... great job!
(14) Elyakum, February 21, 2010 9:55 PM
TED Talks
Check out her TED talk, available at the TED talks site or on her own website. She doesn't address these issues, but she has what to say about creativity and the fact that she was not expecting this book to sell anywhere near what the last one did. Nice article.
(13) ruth, February 21, 2010 9:20 PM
what unravels as we travel
I haven't read this book but I did read the first book and I think the reason so many people, probably mostly women, find this interesting is the notion of "quest" for meaning in life and how love plays into this story. We can find it all, by traveling right here, doing that inner journey, and often the journey winds up taking us home, to our own backyards, and wondering, how come we didn't see it and had to do this circle game. Yes, to the sanctity and bonding of a true marriage of heart and soul. We make meaning. We find it, by making it happen, in the small things we do, for each other. And marriage is a bonding, as you have said, that can be deeply meaningful, bringing us home.
(12) Mary, February 21, 2010 8:56 PM
I sense
I haven't read the book but I sense there will be another sequel at some point.
(11) yehudis, February 21, 2010 8:37 PM
thanks for your thoughtful and wise analysis. As much as I enjoyed Gilbert's "Eat,Pray, Love" and, as a baal tshuva could identify with part of her journey, I didn't even bother to read "Committed." Just from seeing the title I knew the ending to the story would be ambivalent at best, but more likely angry and "anti." But who knows, if she is an authentic truth seeker, she may find happiness yet...even within her marriage.
(10) Janet, February 21, 2010 7:01 PM
You verbalized my thoughts!
Wow! I just happen to have finished Committed last night. Your response to it is beautiful! As I read the book I kept waiting for Gilbert to discover the Jewish approach to marriage--she explored so many other cultures' attitudes towards marriage. As you did, I questioned why she wasn't even applying the lessons from her time in the ashram. Thanks for putting into words the frustrations I had with her search. (Are you going to send her your article???)
(9) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 6:35 PM
A seeker
I've read her book Eat, Pray,Love, and Liz is a seeker, into the deeper meaning behind things. Religion, in her first book, which I found interesting, like studying world religions through her journey. I haven't read "committed" but in the first book she does mention her pain from her first marriage a lot. One reason why she took that one year journey into the spiritual quest for the deep meaning of oneself and life. Marriage is a part of all cultures. And for the most part, remarriage after a divorce has become the norm. The book may be a help with those who are divorce and dealing with the pain, and trying to move forward. By your article, it sounds like Liz came up with her own meaning, for herself, but not necessarily what is right for all. For those who intermarry, or plan to, it may be some insight into how each think. Sara, you guided us to see the right view, when reading it, Thanks!
(8) Rachel, February 21, 2010 6:17 PM
Cutting up a coat
I don't know how the story was told to (or by) Gilbert (I've read neither of her books) BUT the story of the coat suggests that she doesn't really understand a mother's love for a child. When I was very little, my mother let my best friend and me trail around in a couple of her old gowns. Years later, I was horrified: "Mom, those were gorgeous dresses, what were you thinking?" My mother replied, "Honey, once we had you, and later your sisters, we didn't really want to go out so much and I didn't need them -- and you and your friend had such a wonderful time in them, it made me very happy to see you both playing at being fine ladies." So what may seem like a sacrifice to one person may actually be a source of great joy to another. At the end of the day, a coat is just a coat -- but a beautiful dress for a beautiful first child? Priceless.
(7) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 6:07 PM
Lovely
.
(6) Michael Wall, February 21, 2010 5:27 PM
Marriage isn't just for women...
Thank you for articulating what I am trying to display for and teach two my children. When I was young, so many young men -my buddies, movie and book characters, writers- shunned the idea of marriage for the perceived losses it would bring. I lokked forward to it as the time when I would join in something I was not capable of doing by myself, at least not in the truest sense. That something was building a home with a partner who would be my hand, and I would be hers. Together the two hands work to build, and nurture, and work out the kinks of life. I hope lots of the young men out there read your article and take it to heart.
(5) elisabeth Tatum, February 21, 2010 4:54 PM
I'm deeply touched by your words.
My first husband insisted on divorce after our 20 year marriage. His decision almost totally destroyed me, since I consider the family as sacred, and to this day I know we could have grown, "trascended", together. I've recently remarried, almost 20 years later, and I'am very happy, but not without a scar...
(4) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 4:23 PM
Wow!
Thank you for such a powerful, wise, and eloquent defense of marriage. This article makes everything clear.
(3) Malky, February 21, 2010 3:59 PM
A beautiful reply to "Committed" ... thank you!
Now, if only men could see that marriage is not confinement but freedom to grow!
(2) heather, February 21, 2010 2:41 PM
Lovely Response
This was a wonderful response to Gilbert's work. I read her first book, "Eat, Pray, Love" for my book club and enjoyed it but I felt sad for Gilbert who never actually felt fulfilled. Perhaps in "biting the bullet" she will finally understand her grandmother's choice to cut up her wine-colored coat for the benefit of her daughter. Thank you Mrs. Rigler for the wonderful depths to which you have explored Gilbert's arguments.
(1) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 2:39 PM
Thank you for addressing some of my fears in a beautifully eloquent way!