Ironically, my article about not criticizing in marriage has engendered a hailstorm of criticism. I welcome this opportunity to discuss the issues raised in a respectful way. I trust that my critics and I share the same goal: to promote successful, flourishing marriages, although we disagree about the means to that goal.
First, I must point out that the Facebook page – with 219 mostly condemning comments – posted just the story at the end of my article, completely out of context. Had people read the full article, they would have seen that the suggestion to refrain from criticism was addressed to both husbands and wives, and had no misogynist overtones as those responding to the story without the full article inferred.
The main point of contention is whether refraining from criticizing one’s spouse is tantamount to stifling open communication in a marriage. As one comment declared:
I don't think just stopping criticism is the answer. Bottling up your feelings is not a good answer. Going on a criticism fast will not be effective unless you find a healthy way to express your needs. The woman in this story went through so much emotional pain just because she couldn't find the words to say, "I feel upset and hurt because of your planned trip to Atlantic City. Can we talk about this?" That isn't criticism. That's expressing her needs. …
The Torah says, "rebuke your fellow Jew" and in the very next passuk it says, "don't bear a grudge." The way not to bear a grudge in your heart is by speaking up and communicating, and in a loving relationship with open communication, there should be plenty of room to express your concerns if your spouse is making a decision that you find upsetting.
Or as another commenter put it:
This story isn’t doing any service to anyone. The woman is repressing her feelings. Her husband is buying her off. Criticism isn’t the same as expressing a negative.
Criticism is not the same as expressing a negative? But isn’t that exactly what criticism is – expressing one’s disapproval about a person, action, or situation? The dictionary defines criticism as: “the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.“
So, the real question in marriage is: What do I do with my negative judgments about my spouse’s behavior, appearance, or ideas? Does “good communication,” which is crucial to a marriage, mandate expressing my negative feelings to my spouse? Does choosing not to say what I’m feeling constitute repression, which will only lead to resentment and an eventual explosion?
Does “good communication,” which is crucial to a marriage, mandate expressing my negative feelings to my spouse?
The right to express one’s feelings is a sacrosanct value in modern Western society. But what if your feelings are negative? What if the husband feels – truly feels – that the wife spends too much time on her iPhone? Should he tell her so? What if the wife feels – truly feels – that the husband wastes too much time watching sports when he could be spending that time with her or the kids? Should she tell him so?
Harville Hendrix, America’s marriage guru, innovated Imago Relationship Therapy and appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show 17 times. His bestselling book, Getting the Love You Want, sold more than 4 million copies. In his introduction to the 20th anniversary edition of the book, Hendrix makes a startling admission. In his original edition of the book and in the thousands of workshops he gave worldwide, Hendrix advocated that if you feel anger, you should express it to your partner in an exercise he called, the “Full Container.” At the same time, he taught a method for the partner to listen to the expression of anger with compassion. After twenty years, he realized that expressing strong negative feelings was actually disastrous. As he wrote in the Introduction to the 20th anniversary edition:
At the time, we believed that this catharsis would reduce the amount of tension in their day-to-day interactions. The opposite proved to be true. We discovered that the more couples practiced the exercise, the angrier they became with each other in their daily lives.… As I explain at length [in the new chapter], we now believe that eliminating negativity is the most powerful way to transform a love relationship. [p. 10]
After twenty years of counselling and training many thousands of couples, Hendrix concluded that “eliminating negativity” is better than expressing it.
Eliminating negativity is better than expressing it.
The Torah actually prohibits negative speech, even if it is true. Speaking about another person (lashon hara) alienates both the speaker and the listener from the person being spoken about. Speaking words that hurt the person you are speaking to (onaat devorim) alienates the criticizer from the criticized and vice versa. There is indeed a commandment to "rebuke your fellow Jew” rather than hold a grudge in your heart. However, the parameters of giving proper rebuke are carefully delineated by the sages. Rebuke must be given privately, and be specific (not, “You never…” or “You always…”). The person rebuked must feel helped rather than criticized. But already 1,500 years ago, the sages said no one knows any longer how to rebuke properly, so the mitzvah of rebuke can be rarely properly fulfilled.
A male commenter on the above site quoted a statement attributed to the Chofetz Chaim, "More than we have lost the ability to hear criticism, we have lost the ability to deliver it."
This Jewish approach limits the vaunted ideal of “open communication.”
So, if we don’t express our negative feelings, is there no alternative to repressing them? How do we do what Hendrix calls, “eliminating negativity” if we don’t express it? (Hendrix presents his own exercise in the rewritten chapter of his book.)
Every person must first be aware of his/her feelings. Repression is physically and psychologically harmful.
Next, every person must take responsibility for his/her feelings. As any cognitive therapist will explain, your feelings are the result of how you frame the situation. If you frame the situation differently, you will feel differently. Blaming your spouse for your feelings may feel empowering, but it denies your innate power to choose a different, healthier, more connecting outlook.
Next, one must introspect and question one’s motive for expressing negative feelings to one’s spouse. Usually the motive is to change the spouse’s behavior. Or it is payback for having been criticized by him or her for the same thing. As mentioned in the original article, criticism never works to change anyone. No one changes in the long term because one’s spouse has pointed out what one is doing wrong. Rather, it leads to arguments, distancing, and often – divorce.
Despite many commentators alleging that the story was made-up or was written by a man or even a rabbi, the story is a true story written by the wife.
Let’s take a look at the story that provoked such fury. (BTW, despite many commentators alleging that the story was made-up or was written by a man or even a rabbi, the story is a true story written by the wife.) Her husband of two years wanted to go to Atlantic City with the guys for a friend’s bachelor party. The wife wrote, “My husband and I are very careful not to go out at night without each other too often.” (Several commenters erroneously wrote that the couple had decided NEVER to go out at night without each other. But that was not so.) The wife was upset. She believed that Atlantic City is no place for a married man without his wife, plus he would be out all night. And the following day was their anniversary. The wife was “furious.” The husband, on the other hand was “so excited” by the upcoming trip.
The wife, who is a member of my marriage webinar, had undertaken as an experiment to do a “criticism fast,” which means not to criticize her husband at all for a month. Many members of the Kesher Wife Club discovered that when they stopped criticizing their husbands, their husbands felt safe to open up to them more and showed them more affection. So, this young wife was committed to not criticizing her husband’s choice to go to Atlantic City. She probably was aware that if she told him how she felt, he would cancel the trip, and then he would feel resentful and she would feel guilty.
The next morning, he came home and caught a few hours’ sleep. “When he woke up, I was puttering in the kitchen. I resolved to hold tight to my criticism fast, because I knew this argument could get very ugly and ruin our anniversary.”
This is where criticism between spouses usually leads. The criticized party either gets defensive or counter attacks. Criticism never breeds closeness.
When she felt capable of stating how she felt without anger or rancor, she stated her feelings, after first giving him a chance to talk. “I smiled at him and asked him if he had fun. I listened to the entire story of his night before I expressed to him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, without criticizing him. I said, ‘I missed you last night. I felt very lonely sleeping in this big bed by myself, and I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of one of us being out all night.’”
Because she stated her feelings while refraining from criticizing him, she got a positive response. “He right away apologized, and told me how he perfectly understood and would be more considerate next time.” No arguments, no proving who was right, neither of them grabbing the moral high ground. After that, they celebrated their anniversary in a mood of love and mutual respect.
Many of the commenters either disbelieved that the story could really end so well or disdained that her husband gave her his gambling profits to buy new clothes. “I'll take the opportunity to speak my mind over new clothes any day,” wrote one woman. Her husband was not “buying her off,” as another commenter wrote. Rather, this wife saw that the results of her experiment with the criticism fast was that her husband showed her more affection and generosity. She wrote, “It was actually the best day we have ever had together since we got married!”
The marriage improved. When either spouse stops criticizing, marriages always improve.
Perhaps my critics are confusing suppressing women with working to suppress one’s own yetzer hara (lower self) – the greatest accomplishment for all women – and men.
One section of the article that drew heaps of scorn was the idea that a person trying to change an ingrained behavior pattern should chart his/her successes and reward the body. “The idea that a grown woman should have a chart where she marks off her ability to keep quiet and rewards herself is appalling to me.” Others labeled it a device to suppress women.
Actually, the method of charting and “rewarding the body” is a proven technique from the School of Mussar founded by Rav Yisrael Salanter. This technique has been practiced for almost two centuries by the followers of the Mussar Movement, some 98% of whom are men.
Strangest to me is that the majority of comments condemned my article as a brazen attempt to suppress women. I myself am a strong-minded, very expressive woman, and the advice was directed to both men and women. Perhaps my critics are confusing suppressing women with working to suppress one’s own yetzer hara (lower self). Since my first trip to India in 1968, I have been working on myself, systematically trying to overcome anger, hatred, and all forms of negativity. I am far from getting there, but I know that this is the greatest accomplishment possible for all women – and men.
(60) Gaby, April 7, 2021 6:36 AM
Learn the fine art of rebuke
If at the time of Rabbi Akiva a man who excelled in the art of rebuke could not be found, what can we do in our generation? First, lower your voice and try to be humble, not entitled and angry. Do some soul searching first to separate your feelings of anger and revenge from the pure will to help improve the situation Start with words of appreciation. Perhaps this will work. Much success!
(59) Aaron, March 1, 2021 8:36 AM
the balance between criticism and boundaries
Criticism is when it speaks negatively about the person. If we go by that definition, that I would completely agree with the author. Yet it is appropriate to give feedback as long as you are careful with your words. For example, lets say your spouse drops them off for school two hours late. If you say "I can never depend on you, thats very irresponsible", that is criticism. If you say "thats 2 hours of time they could have been learning, please do you best to bring them on time tomorrow" is not criticism. Open communication may not necessarily be a Jewish value, but neither is being a doormat.
(58) Anonymous, January 1, 2021 5:17 AM
About not Criticizing a Spouse
Hi. I am a Rabbi , but that’s just I preface where I’m coming from , in no way am I trying to sound Superior. The Gemara States that a man should Honor his wife more then himself (Yevamos 62b ). There’s no one size fits all in marriage advice. But there definitely is a type of marriage relationship that is superior to others. Superior in a way that a husband or wife loves and appreciate the other so much , they are willing to forgo a pleasure for the sake of their wives. But that depends on the pleasure. If it’s a steak , that would be a redicoulos request since there’s nothing wrong with eating a steak in moderation. But leaving a wife to go to a bachelor party is behavior that is inherently insulting to the spouse since a women feels protected and cared for when her husband is home with her. Obviously a business trip is a necessity. My point is , we should realize that although we are living in a world that’s so in to a he letter I , we forget how a true Torah marriage should be. We should at least acknowledge that that’s the ultimate goal. It has nothing to do with criticism. It has to do with respecting a wife’s reasonable wishes above all else. All the best. Gut Shabbos.
(57) Ken Land, December 29, 2020 9:37 PM
support for your original article
I have written a fairly lengthy positive response to your original excellent article. How can I share this with you? What is your actual email address
Summary is this:
It’s pain management and addiction to taking their mood out on other people who tolerate them, not expectation of changing someone, that drives criticism.
Harry S Pearle, December 31, 2020 7:46 PM
Relationships should actually ENCOURAGE CRITICISM ! (FALL vs FAIL idea)
Proverbs (Mishlei( 24.16: "The righteous fall 7 times and rise..."
================================================
Two weeks ago, I fell in the snow, while going to a Chabad Menorah lighting.
I am still recovering for the injury, with some pain and lack of sleep, etc.
But I am reminded of this famous saying from Proverbs.
In marriage and in other relationships, CRITICISM may be what we NEED most.
But criticism can feel devastating, even when it is for our own good.
Trying to avoid criticism and arguments may, actually endanger relationships.
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We all have weaknesses and failings. We all play games and lie,, all the time.
(Look at our politics, both Left and Right, for hypocrisy, for example)
As we move beyond the VIRUS threats, we will can hopefully be VULNERABLE
in all our relationships, for the good of all. BWELL BSAFE BCALM
HPearle www.SavingSchools.org
(56) Anonymous, December 29, 2020 6:32 AM
Thank you, Sara Yocheved!!
I have been married for 41 1/2 years and have been in Sara Yocheved's Kesher Wife club for about 5 years. Listening to the weekly webinars and practicing the tools has improved my relationship with my husband tremendously! I have worked on not criticizing my husband and now my husband doesn't criticize me as much either. We are both much happier! I look forward to the webinar every week which helps me connect with my husband!
(55) Anonymous, December 29, 2020 3:39 AM
I endorse your article
Indeed this is the same solution which God had put in my heart almost 13 years back. You have presented it so well. I faced so many marital issues in our 26 years of life together. This counsel from the LORD continues to rescue me and by His grace we are still together. From my experience it is not so easy to practice it but through His grace we can achieve the goal. Thank you for your wonderful articulation
(54) Yehudis Wilks, December 28, 2020 9:00 PM
Yasher Koach for your articles
I had only read this article first and I decided to implement "the criticism fast". Wow - I couldn't believe how many times I had to stop myself from making the comment I was planning on saying and reword it or say nothing. Later I looked at the original article and then again at the comments against it. Now what would have been the point of "stating her needs?". Whatever compromise they would have come up with, her husband would have gone away feeling guilty for leaving her; she would have been left feeling needy; he had never done something like this in the two years they had been married; and the root of love in hebrew - Ahavah is Hav - to give. Why couldn't she just give this gift to her husband? What if she had been the one who had wanted to go away? Wouldn't she have wanted her husband to let her go without having to make any compromises in order to "express his needs"? Yasher Koach for teaching couples not to say hurtful things to one another, and not to say everything that is on our minds. I have learned over the years to keep many negative thoughts to myself. My husband's neshoma is half of mine. If I put him down I am putting myself down. If I complain about him I am really complaining about myself. And what I have discovered is that there is only 100% of every middah/character trait. So if I am really thoughtful - I can't expect my spouse to be as thoughtful too. And if my spouse is really patient (which he is Baruch Hashem) he will just have to put up with the fact that I have to work on my being patient (which unfortunately, I am not). But that is what marriage is all about. Working and growing together to be the best that we can be. Keep up the great work!
(53) Anonymous, December 28, 2020 3:35 PM
Don’t pay attention to the people who disagree with your articles.
You have saved my marriage!! Ty
(52) Shoshana-Jerusalem, December 28, 2020 2:33 PM
What's with that husband?
I can't believe that a married man would want to go out all night to a batchelors party. He sure has a lot of growing up to do. I really feel sorry for his wife.
(51) Anonymous, December 28, 2020 2:14 PM
Still disagree
How about we replace the word criticism with feedback. Husband plans A. Wife is distressed and says: I have concerns that .... Husband is not diminished or attacked. Wife gets to discuss her concerns before A happens and husband is still free to decide to go or not. Wife feels heard. Husband makes his choice with feedback about how it impacts his wife. That sounds fair and like a true partnership. The word criticism implies negativity. Honest discussion however before the husband makes his decision is the correct response. Instead here he makes his decision in isolation with no feedback from how it effects her- which it does- and wife is miserable. I am appalled that the moral of this tale is the wife stifled her upset and remained upset while he partied, and got rewarded- paid off - for not expressing valid concerns beforehand.
(50) Sarah Hermelin, December 28, 2020 7:15 AM
Terrific Article
I had the pleasure of being married to a great husband. He died on February 12,2020. However we shared so many times and had a deep love for each other. There were times that we gently made a comment to each other. At no time did our love diminish. It grew stronger.
(49) j spitz, December 27, 2020 4:35 PM
You hit the nail on the head x2!
Great article and great reply article. Who, has anybody felt closer to their spouse after being criticized? How about repeated criticism? Feel closer yet?
--Of course not. Taking a moment and reformatting the issue as a discussion, as suggested by the author, goes a long way to forming a close marriage/relationship.
(48) Avi, December 27, 2020 4:15 PM
Insightful
I started reading this piece while thinking this article won't amount to much.But I was dead wrong.The author doesn't come across as a know it all as I suspected,or disdainful of any of her critics, rather it's a thoughtful and insightful article, that takes it's critics seriously and compassionately. Bravo to the author for threading that needle.While I don't agree with all of the authors points, nor agree that all her sources are proofs to her points, she definitely made her points without denigrating her critics and with an open mind to hearing others opinions. She is definitely correct in her assessment of the downside to encouraging criticism in order to facilitate a healing, which rarely works( my "opinion"). I refer the readers to a clinician " Mort Fertel", with many books, cd's, you tube videos, and a large following, that advocates after many years of marital counseling,some of the sane ideas advocated by the author, as far as creating new connections, as opposed to addressing each grievance. That isn't to say that abusive behavior, or being badly treated or take for granted is ever ok,but there are other ways to achieve a harmonious relationship than a direct headon confrontation that rarely works.Just " my opinion".
(47) CAROLYN RUTH DALY, December 27, 2020 1:45 PM
I READ THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE AND IT WAS OK. BUT I AM GLAD FOR ALL THE CRITICAL COMMENTS AS IT MADE THE ORIGIANL ARTICLE AND YOUR COMMENTS VERY VERY INTERESTING.. THANK YOU FOR A GREAT JOB.
(46) Anonymous, December 27, 2020 5:11 AM
I asked my husband what he thought...
I have been happily married for over four decades. I asked my husband what he thought about all of this. He simply couldn't get past the idea that a married guy would even *consider* going to an all-night bachelor party in Atlantic City. He was, in his words, "astounded."
(45) Carol, December 27, 2020 1:25 AM
Well spoken. Appropriate.
Your comments and perspective are appropriate and forward-thinking. How today people remove words from context and then hasten to angry, judgmental conclusions shows serious lack of thought. There is no thinking or consideration of other perspectives. No wonder there is so much dissension in the world, never mind in marriages! It strikes me that such people each want to be #1. Thus each lack thinking about the couple as an important unit. Your advice encourages the latter. I, for one, appreciate your perspective and advice!
(44) Anonymous, December 26, 2020 9:43 PM
Phenomenal
Phenomenal article not just in its concise response, but also it the additional guidance in quality trailer development. Thank you
(43) Linda Baggio, December 26, 2020 1:24 AM
response to article
regardless of Who you are with a male or female constant criticism by either party will only drive their criticize party away and not strengthen the marriage
(42) H R TURACLI, December 25, 2020 9:32 PM
Best article I ever read in aish it is vitally important in family life.. Good constructive writing well done
(41) Odile, December 25, 2020 7:27 PM
It worked for me
I've done what you mention for the past ten years, even battling myself in my thoughts and it is rewarding. I was going through very harsh times with my children and husband with a lot of emotions. I came out a better person than I was before. Still hurt by the situation but I kept my sweetness and friendliness. This was the best choice, looking backwards and it was the hard choice.
(40) MARVIN SILVERSTEIN, December 25, 2020 5:10 PM
truth and honesty
realty; we each men and women have " issues'. Often third parties cannot have THEE answer. SO BOTH PARTIES MAN AND WOMAN, WHILE COOL AND OPEN MINDED COULD SIT DOWN AND THE TWO SHOULD CREATE A PLAN / POLICY ETC. THAT THEY BOTH KNOW WOULD / COULD BE USED TO RESOULVE ALL / FUTURE FRICTION. PRIME IS LIFE TOGETHER.
(39) Batya Myriam Goldman, December 25, 2020 2:38 PM
Totally in agreement
Dear Sarah, I totally agree with your stance. I am a spiritual and religious counselor and have been doing this work for more than 30 years. As a medical intuitive and a natural medicine therapist, I can honestly say from studying other Natural Health Systems like TCM. Unleashing anger does great harm to the physical as well as energetic body. But, if that were not enough for others to understand the anger directly affects the liver and all the functions that accompany this very important organ, what it does to the human spirit is even more harmful. Anger breeds anger, and allowing or unleashing anger even for a small moment can cause great harm to oneself and your loved ones. I have also been a strong supporter that one does not give oxygen to the yetzer rah by indulging criticism of either self or other. Nothing good ever comes from it. As a matter of fact the moment that one hold back criticism and finds a positive way to communicate one's feelings in a peaceful manner one has already overcome and won the battle. One that is the spiritual battle for the soul. Kindest regards and blessings on your work.
Harry S Pearle, December 25, 2020 4:36 PM
Totally in disagreement on CRITICISM! (Think Sports. Think BOREDOM)
Sorry, I could not disagree with you, more!
================================
1) I am not a football sports fan, but it so happens that the Buffalo Bills team,
in my area, is winning big, this year. They got a division title, after 25 years!
Surely, this has a lot to do with COACHING and personal CRITICISM.
2) Have you heard of the BORING COMPANY?
Yes, it is a real company, run by Elon Musk. They bore large holes in hills to
make tunnels, so car highway routes can be shortened.
The very word BORE may come from this process of boring holes, actually!
Many activities may seem boring, and relationships can seem boring.
But with CRITICISM, we find interest and improvements,. We may even find
that relationships that seemed boring, can become fascinating!
3) Finally, let me mention POLITICS and CRITICISM.
Without getting in trouble with specifics, we find intense criticism, today.
Hopeful, this criticism will lead to more fascination and a new DEMOCRACY!
Thanks Much H www.SavingSchools.org
(38) 037, December 25, 2020 1:22 PM
Where there is a two...
Where there is a two Jews, there is three different opinions. Problem known since the Land of Goshen. You and your pride is your worst enemy. Humble yourself . Turn your face toward the Lord. For He will heal you, interjecting kindness into your hearts.
(37) Elliott Katz, December 25, 2020 10:24 AM
How would your critics respond to criticism from their spouse?
Nobody likes to be criticized. Not criticizing does not mean being a doormat. The challenge is to speak in a way that makes the other person respected, valued, inspired and motivated to do what you want and feel good about it. Your critics don't realize the damage criticism does to relationships. As I wrote in my book of relationship advice, "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man," look for ways to show your spouse that you appreciate them. Speak in ways that makes them feel good about doing what you ask them to do.
(36) Anonymous, December 25, 2020 9:58 AM
Bravo! Super answer to the critic's
I hope everyone understands now the difference between bad expressing ones feelings and building a positive marriage. I am 59 years old and as I have learned and as I practice talking in a positive way to my husband, I still feel as if I am just newly married. And yes my husband does the same to me. It is the best way to a good marriage. Keep writing such good advise,good Schabbes and Hashem bless you.
(35) Joy Margulies, December 25, 2020 7:04 AM
I liked and commented on the original article
I’ve been married for 46 years and completely agree that criticism is harmful to the marriage. I’ve experienced periods where my husband was very critical ( he comes from a critical family) and found it makes me feel less close to him. When he calms down his critical tendencies I feel closer and more loving. I think your article and your criticism response were both on target.
(34) Debra Drew, December 25, 2020 3:11 AM
Words count, choose them carefully, you cannot take them back once spoken
I feel that many of the responses that said women were being suppressed we are simply spewing forth their immediate reaction. Instead, they should have finished reading the article to see that the wife chose to not spew words from her mouth that would show anger and therefore preventing a positive reply from her husband. What she did was give herself some time to work it through in her head and get past her feeling of anger and feeling hurt, which is another form of anger, so that she could tell her husband Not just how she felt about him going to Atlantic City for a bachelor party, but as she said she told him that she missed him and she felt very lonely in their bed. If one takes a step back and looks at situation from different perspectives, one can find a way Express one’s feelings without being damaging to another individual. I learned the hard way in my 30s to stop before I said something because I lost many good friends because I would just say whatever came to mind thinking that I was simply being honest with them when in fact I wasn’t being very nice at all. I try to pick and choose my words carefully because words do count and while I’m not always successful, I do much better than I did when I was in my 30s.
(33) Simon red pill Jew, December 25, 2020 2:46 AM
Canceled by Feminists
PSA: In case you missed it, you’re being attacked by ideologues. “Misogynist” is a typical canard used by Feminists to lambast those who attempt to impose responsibility onto their lives, or may somehow attack their own creation and subjugation of beta male husbands or NJB’s. This is an infiltration of modern Jewish orthodoxy that has taken place alongside the greater cultural revolutions in the West. Seminaries may teach the same hashkafic information as you but these feminist orthodox Jewish women disregard it and reshape modern Jewish communities.
(32) Shulamit Lichtenstein, December 25, 2020 1:15 AM
Thanks
Love your wisdom... keep it coming.
(31) Anonymous, December 25, 2020 12:47 AM
Truth
You spoke the truth in your articles and your advice is correct. For all those that criticize, I would love to know the state of their marriages.
(30) Warren Viner, December 25, 2020 12:32 AM
There are too many layers to explain marriage simply.
I read it as about two people trusting, loving and committing to each other and about their willingness to learn as they go. What strikes me most is their truthfulness towards one another. There does seem to be a common thread sewing them together and a sense of real acceptance which is refreshing. They are not trying to change each other. They are soul mates....friends. Being critical is unhealthy if it's purpose is to shut someone down by disallowing them to have a thoughtful opinion or deny them their right to think. The two people in the article seem to be way beyond that.
I agree fully that It's not about who is right and who is wrong and if it becomes that then it's probably not going to turn out well. It sounds to me that they really like each other and don't want to hurt each other.
A good modern marriage is going to be based on those types of qualities.
Harry S Pearle, December 25, 2020 12:48 AM
Try to keep it SIMPLE, EASY? (Einstein: Everything should be make simple)
NO, I think the best approach is to try to focus on very SIMPLE CONCERNS.
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I have an EASY button, from Staples, that says, "That was easy" when pressed.
Of course you don't need an EASY button, or an EASY app. to focus on easy.
I think it is easy to fall into the trap of endless complexity.
This discussion seems way, way, too wordy and complex for easy use.
Sometimes a simple ACTION or STATEMENT makes call the different.
But sometimes, the answer may be repetition, repetition, repetition.
For example, saying THANKS, over and over, or SORRY might really help things.
THANKS so MUCH H www.SavingSchools.org
(29) Sharon Levy, December 24, 2020 11:54 PM
The Wife Should Have Spoken Up, Indeed
Instead of criticizing her husband, she ought to have said, "I sense that you're really looking forward to going to Atlantic City and I'd like to feel happy for you. Instead, I am feeling a bit anxious about this good time that you're looking to have. Since we usually go out at night together, I'm feeling insecure about the two of us being separated at night and the timing is unfortunate given that our anniversary is the next day. I'd feel happier if you'd reconsider and pass this up this good time that you're looking forward to while I am dreading it".
(28) Chana, December 24, 2020 11:20 PM
You were right on with your advice and perspective!
I am a huge fan of Laura Doyle, author of The Empowered Wife, and your advice mirrors the advice she has been giving to thousands of women. Anyone can listen to her podcasts, read her books, and hear miraculous marriage transformations, when, among other skills, a wife resolves to be criticism free.
(27) Anonymous, December 24, 2020 10:42 PM
My thoughts
I do think one can address problems without a barrage of criticism in a healthy marriage. I don't think this is denial and can preserve dignity even when the marriage is so unhealthy it really must end.
(26) Rachel, December 24, 2020 8:11 PM
Yes, and
... I think there’s a huge difference between one spouse saying “I want” vs “our children need”: Two mature adults should be able to accept the fact that one wants something that conflicts with the other’s preferences, and work it out so that in the aggregate, no one “wins” nor “loses” all the time. But saying “I think the kids need to spend more time with you” should be something every parent can absorb without feeling criticized. Parenting together takes precedence over other things. My husband and I always put our kids needs (not always wants) over everything else. We have 2 happy, we’ll-adjusted children who are now in their 20’s, and we have been married for almost 40 years. Incidentally, I would say the same should also apply if a spouse has to address the needs of an elderly parent.
(25) Shirie C Eshel, December 24, 2020 8:00 PM
I enjoyed your rebuttal to the arguments.
I stay off Facebook. Lots of gossip and waste of time! Your points are correct. Criticism breeds resentment, always!
Thank you,
Shirie Eshel
(24) jvliv, December 24, 2020 7:55 PM
the adventure of marriage
When we marry, we are doing something we don’t know anything about. And even when we try it a couple of times, we usually know less about it the second time than we did the first. Marriage is what a family is built on. A family is the group that cares for each other, protects itself and is able to carry itself into the future. A culture can be destroyed or lost if its basic building block-the family-is removed. The relationship of marriage is a communications relationship. Meaning that a decision that has been made that something is or will be a certain way must be communicated. Marriage is something that two people create together. The problems begin when people stop creating, making or putting work into it. That is what happens to most marriages. People stop creating the family group. When they stop creating it, the marriage is no longer there. Take a couple that goes for a walk once a week around their neighborhood and regularly talk about their plans, such as how they will decorate their house, improve their garden or help their children with their schoolwork. When they work on things like this, they are creating their relationship and the future of their family. Suppose one day they run into financial difficulties. They decide they are too busy for their weekly walk or take time to talk to each other about their future plans. Husband comes home, spends all his time answering e-mails and she spends her spare time browsing the internet trying to find ways to make extra money to pay the bills. They don’t even discuss their plans to handle their finances together. They stopped creating their marriage and family. Before long, the marriage is over. They succumbed to the rat race. When people face trouble with marriage, it is because they are expecting it to run on automatic. They think it will stay together without them doing anything to put it there and keep it together. Clean communication and how to keep that communication flowing is key for marriage success.
(23) Susan Jensen, December 24, 2020 7:52 PM
Bravo!
Sara, thank you for your well worded article and this second, equally well worded essay. You aren't advocating suppression of thought/feeling but rather shifting into sharing in a loving way in which we are both on the same team, rather than in opposition.
This works well in all relationships. When it was clear my parenting style wasn't working, I reached out for help. The most helpful advice given was from the book How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. It suggested I become a co-detective with my child instead of a criticizer of my child. For ex, she was always deflecting doing her homework until so late at night that she had trouble waking up in the morning. When I switched from criticism to, "What do you think is going on?" she shared that she had no idea why she did this and was disappointed in herself, too. Now that she wasn't put in a defensive position, she could brainstorm with me on the underlying issue. She needed to discharge emotional energy after a long day observing bullying, sadness, etc at school. After experimenting, we discovered 1.5 hrs of playing music was enough to discharge her emotions and settle down to work.
Same with spouse: he used to criticize my running late every time he took me to the airport. After reading this book together he switched tactics. "Why do you think you run late? You are usu so on time" Turned out I was staying up very late cooking, etc so my family would be OK in my absence and was too tired to wake up on time. He began helping out so that I could get to bed on time.
The website www.assumelove.com (free) is run by a woman who ruined her first marriage with criticism and developed a three tier approach to conflict in all intimate relationships that is in line with Sara's article and the book mentioned above.
Sara, letting go of criticism is good for all our relationships, incl w/ourselves and Hashem, and raises us to a higher spiritual level. Thank you!!
(22) ross, December 24, 2020 7:16 PM
Was this article for me?
I passed it along to my wife. It didn't work. She criticized me.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 11:44 PM
Ha! Ha!
(21) Yosef, December 24, 2020 6:14 PM
Interesting
I like this article (I did not read the original) At then end you say you have been working on eliminating anger and negative feelings since 1968 and that you still have a long way to go. Forgive me for asking but if you have not been able to do it during a period of 52 years of work then perhaps whatever you are doing is not working too well?
Sara Rigler, December 24, 2020 7:24 PM
Author
I am so much better than I was!! I used to get angry a couple times a week; now I get angry a couple times a year. But there is no ceiling for spiritual growth.
Yosef, December 24, 2020 7:37 PM
Apologize
I am re-reading my comment and I think it was "out of line" and possibly insulting. I apologize. I should not have written that comment.
Yaakov N., December 27, 2020 4:07 PM
Yosef: both! of your comments are appreciated.
I skimmed most of the comments, I think Mrs Rigler responded to only 2 of them; yours is one of 'em, which shows she also liked your tone - vs. no response to comment #11 (or not even to #8 which had a good tone) - and because she probably welcomed the opportunity to share her response to you, which adds important clarity to the whole discussion ... thanks to you! thus no apologizing was necessary. (Did you follow that? :) ) Nevertheless, your considering about whether to apologize, was worthwhile....
Anonymous, December 29, 2020 8:42 PM
Would be helpful to also respond to the other excellent counter-points
I'm thinking this one got a response because it would be difficult not to- it's a pretty good insight if a bit pointed. There are other responses that are being ignored even though they're also valid, perhaps because they're more difficult to address unless you're willing to acknowledge you might be partially mistaken. It would be good to be able to say "criticism is unhealthy in a marriage, but I can understand the points being made by some, and I would modify my position as follows..." etc.
(20) Anonymous, December 24, 2020 5:12 PM
Refraining from criticism
Your contention in the original article seems correct.
Criticism is acid to a relationship - any relationship.
My Rav has pointed this out. He is a role model exemplar - though it seems that he has less of a challenge, as his wife is a notably high-level tzadekes who carries herself as a regular person..
L'Havdil, Refraining from criticism is the topic of the first chapter of Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people".
There are exceptions, no doubt - drug/alcohol abuse, perhaps other types of abuse (and professional help is typically required) - but even in those cases, the approach should be to focus on how one's spouse's behavior make "me" feel, trying to stay away from direct criticism (learned from another Rav who is also a psychologist).
As in most contentious situations, silence is golden.
I give you a Bracha: Chazkah V'Amtzah.
Regina, December 24, 2020 11:31 PM
You hit the nail on the head
Talking about how the behavior makes you feel is, indeed, NOT CRITICISM but honest expression that is symptomatic of a healthy relationship.
Kudos to those who have been able to re-channel their anger in some way AWAY from their spouse: physical exercise, speaking to a friend and/or therapist, etc. (my understanding is that it's NOT loshon hara if you do it to get over your difficulty, not make your partner into a villain in the eyes of the listener)
And, while we're at it, let's all remind ourselves just how powerful it is to say something POSITIVE whenever we can!
AM YISROEL CHAI!
(19) Angie Aportela, December 24, 2020 5:05 PM
Give mercy instead
I just want to say I came to the same conclusion of holding off on me critizing my husband and started to spend more time with him and became more docile , more self-controlled before speaking in anger and that in it self brought out more patience n talks between us that now we have changed the way we communicate. Shalom!
(18) Anonymous, December 24, 2020 4:52 PM
Can you write similar story with genders reversed?
Ms. Rigler,
I think it might help many of us, women as well as men, if for once a story like this could be told with the genders reversed. We are all so used to hearing from "pop" Jewish writers of the Aish variety about how wives must not x, y, and z toward husband. Though you say it applies to both genders, I have never once seen such an article about husbands not criticizing or making negative comments to wives. The same applies when I hear from the male "Pop" Jewish writers. If the principles are demonstrably true for both genders, as Dr. Gottman is quoted as saying, think many of us would feel reassured to see that you and others truly do apply these principles to men as well as women.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 5:08 PM
Edit- Harville Hendrix
Sorry, meant to say Harville Hendrix, not Dr. Gottman.
(17) Dvora Gamliel, December 24, 2020 4:36 PM
total support
As a strong-minded woman married to a strong man for almost 50 years I cannot overemphasize how on the mark your words are! I have seen this work again and again, strengthening not only my connection to my husband but my self image, as well. Unbridled anger breeds anger and hate, never love. It is totally selfish and as useful as shooting yourself in the leg.
Any up-to-date relations therapist will agree.
(16) Bunny Shuch, December 24, 2020 3:48 PM
My marriage experience
My husband and I have been married for almost 63 years. We’ve had to learn a lot of things over the years, and one of them is “not to sweat the small stuff.” Each of us has quirks that may be annoying to the other, but we’ve learned to overlook them and see the big picture. Do we love each other? Yes! Do we care about each other and want the best for each other? Yes! For important issues, using “I” messages instead of “you” messages, as one commentator described, is certainly the best way to go. Choosing what feels like the right time to talk, speaking about differences in a mutually respectful manner, describing calmly how we feel rather than listing the other person’s faults, listening to the other’s point of view, working on a compromise and if that isn’t possible, then agreeing to disagree — these are all helpful. We’re both so glad that we’re able to enjoy and share our “golden years” together - (sometimes, due to the vicissitudes of aging, they’re not so golden.) Being a team helps to overcome and soften the tragedies/losses that are bound to occur in life and makes the celebrations that much sweeter.
Bunny Shuch, December 24, 2020 4:10 PM
Saying "thank you"
I agree with Evelyn, that spouses expressing appreciation to each other is also an important part of communication in marriage!
Thank you Sara for a thought provoking and wise article.
(15) John Conrad, December 24, 2020 3:43 PM
The advice is sound and life-giving.
I am a regular Aish reader and love the articles. I am not Jewish but a philoSemite. It seems to me that withholding criticism in the manner mentioned would be a positive in any relationship. In my experience criticism is not leveled to improve or help but to annihilate and hurt. Too many times, "speaking your mind" is tantamount to pouring gas on a fire.
(14) Steve, December 24, 2020 3:40 PM
Thank You
Very insightful article, thanks for sharing. As a married man, I will make an earnest effort to suppress my own tendency to judge and criticize my spouse’s behavior because I agree that that reframing my perspective on events and responding positively is the best course.
(13) Evelyn, December 24, 2020 3:21 PM
Bravo for much needed article!!
I am a retired licensed clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience. I can say without hesitation but this article is one of the best and most important pieces of advice to couples and for all relationships. Expressing anger or negativity is the most destructive force to a relationship. No. you don’t suppress or bottle up. But messages must be delivered with love and kindness and appreciation and never to make the other person feel small or wrong. I have done much couples therapy and I know that this advice works, always. People want to feel appreciated and they are much more motivated to hear the needs of the other person when it comes in the context of being appreciated. The therapy of the 60s and 70s was extremely destructive. In my case it led to my expressing terribly angry feelings to my father for justified reasons. It led to a terrible rift and hurt feelings for such a long time all of this could’ve been avoided with a different way of communicating. I agree but dealing with our own anger and taking responsibility for it is extremely important. I guess I would only add that if there is true abuse Or harm being done then anger is necessary and appropriate.
(12) Michael, December 24, 2020 3:16 PM
Real love Is Communication
When I read this story. It enforced what my Beloved and I have been actively “living”. It was when I realized my view of the dynamics of receiving criticism needed to change, and how I respond to it. A relationship is not an individual experience. It is the fabric that a man and his wife weave together. If my wife has a criticism to point out, She is really pointing out that I am doing myself a disservice if I choose to ignore it. She is my Compass. It would be destructive of me to disregard her feelings. I consider her”criticisms the same as her asking me to “change my shirt” define I leave the house because she noticed a “stain”. The take away..... she loves me deep enough to point out what I have neglected, and I am thankful she does. Peace in a marriage can only be achieved if we are willing to keep polishing our own integrity, and loving enough to help the other to maintain theirs. I pitty those who did not grasp the value of this article. It is not about criticizing and surprising feelings per say it is about Communication. Shalom.
(11) Bob, December 24, 2020 3:12 PM
Huh?
98% of all followers of the Mussar Movement are men? Where is that number from? Very hard to believe. Please back up with source rather than just making some assertion......
(10) Sharon, December 24, 2020 12:46 PM
Marriage vaccine?
Isn’t it a divorce vaccine?
(9) yael, December 24, 2020 12:05 PM
Very interesting.
What I found surprising about the story is that she confronted him, in a respectful loving manner, after the fact. Why not before?
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 4:54 PM
Yael, I agree!
Yael,
I was thinking the same- these same respectful words could have been said before, rather than after. I think that would have helped make the point in a less objectionable way.
(8) Shoshanna Keats Jaskoll, December 24, 2020 10:02 AM
mischaracterization of the critique
1- The comments on the story are being mischaracterized. People can see them here for themselves: https://www.facebook.com/chochmatnashim/posts/1807852529370351 2 - The article itself was fine since it held both spouses accountable for not criticizing one another. The story however had nothing to do with both spouses being responsible, nor was it about criticism. It was about a wife holding back how she felt, her pain and concern, crying herself to sleep, wondering when her husband would be home and being rewarded for her suffering with gifts bought with gambled money (she seemed to have not known he was going to gamble their money...) How this is the epitome of a good marriage was lost on many of us. Yet, it was the author's choice to illustrate the success of her methodology . Hence, the confused and shocked comments. You say here that "The marriage improved". I would disagree and say that a conversation about her concerns beforehand and his efforts to mitigate those concerns would have led to an "improved marriage". Imagine if she had said, "I don't want to keep you from going. But Im really uncomfortable with the situation as it is. Can we think of things together so that you can go and I can feel less uncomfortable?" Imagine that! What true respect and couplehood. Im confident you had other stories to choose from in your years of seminars...so, why this one? It colored the way your article and methodology would be seen. Too often women are told they are the akeret habayit and held responsible for all the shalom within. It is unhealthy and wrong to make one spouse shoulder it all and it is cruel to tell someone that expressing herself is to be critical of others. Criticism can be deadly to any relationship, self expression and good communication is the basis of a healthy one. It's truly surprising to see you defend this type of behavior.
(7) Alan S., December 24, 2020 9:58 AM
As usual, another excellent article by Ms. Rigler.
I always enjoy Ms. Rigler's articles, as she writes beautifully. Through the years, her Aish.com articles demonstrate a keen grasp of our religion.
Ms. Rigler does not need me to defend her, and my reply does not attempt to do this. However, I don’t know what the fuss is about, as I find this and last weeks article brimming with – not to use an overused word-- a ‘powerful’ yet easy way to keep peace in the marital home.
I understood Ms. Rigler’s simple suggestion for marital bliss to be to learn not to be ‘hypercritical’ with the usual, normal hum-drum issues that every marriage confronts. No misogyny here, as this simple advice applies to both spouses. No one wrote that important issues should not be discussed. ‘Nit-picking’ and constantly criticizing any person can ruin a relationship. Protecting the most important relationship we will ever have STARTS by not being critical about day to day marital issues.
Nancy, December 24, 2020 12:37 PM
To commenter Alan S.
Unless I missed this in your comments, I would also add that it is easy to criticize and hard to express gratitude. Sadly, my mother z"tl used to criticize my father zt'L ALL THE TIME. I do the best I can to say thank you to my family members. Unfortunately I do tend to get annoyed over the small stuff, but I am making an effort to think before uttering negative words. This isn't meant to be showy, and I have made PLENTY of blunders in this area! Fall down seven times, get up eight.
(6) Anonymous, December 24, 2020 8:41 AM
I vs Them
Don't criticize THEM.
Do express how YOU yourself feel.
(5) Anonymous, December 24, 2020 7:16 AM
Way to go, Mrs. Rigler! You are 100% correct! Keep inspiring!
I didn't read the article you are referencing. This article popped up and the title caught my eye - What was the "marriage vaccine" you were referring to? I'm so glad I took the time to read this! So powerful and true! I too am a strong independent woman. I am motivated, outspoken, a go-getter. When I got married 24 years ago (k"h) I felt that no man, not even my husband who I was infatuated with, would hold me down. If I had to something to say, I said it. If I was upset, or annoyed, I let my husband know. If I didn't like something he was doing or planning, my feelings were transparent. I tried doing it in a "nice" way - soft conversations, right moments, letters, - I felt that sharing my feelings was important - how else would we build a relationship? The results were disastrous! Not only was I pushing my husband away, but I would find myself harping on everything he did and getting more annoyed! Like the study on punching a pillow when you are mad - they found that actually increases your anger rather than calm you down. The more I shared how I felt with my husband (even in a nice way) the more I lost out. The more emasculated and distant he felt. I was ripping apart the fabric of our relationship. B"H I had the guidance of a Rav who had me read The Surrendered Wife and later on, Marriage Secrets by Leah Richeimer (which is all torah-sourced so it's guaranteed to work). I learned that a man needs control while a woman needs connection. I learned that "zipping my lips" would work wonders for closeness. I learned that modern society and the feminist movement has cheated us of our G-d given right for love in our marriages, by trying to make us into men. I am still a strong-minded, powerhouse - but in the outside world - not at home - at home, I relinquish the power to my husband - in return, I am blessed with a beautiful marriage that only gets stronger. I hope more women internalize your message. They have no idea how truly Awesome their relationships can be!
Canuck, December 24, 2020 4:09 PM
Your comment is excellent, but be prepared for backlash!
Bravo for your clarity, perception & honesty. It must have been difficult to write, "The more I shared how I felt with my husband....the more emasculated and distant he felt. I was ripping apart the fabric of our relationship." These statements are particularly meaningful to me as they bring to mind my own long-past marriage (which inevitably ended in divorce). I also agree with your critical observations on the extreme, militant feminism that is so widespread nowadays, & its negative impact on relationships. On this point, however, I fear you will be inundated with angry & hostile responses. Especially in a society that rips men apart at every turn. I hope I'm wrong here.
Rachel, December 24, 2020 7:58 PM
Surrendered Wife?
I don’t care how much wisdom it contains— what a horrendous title!
Anonymous, December 27, 2020 3:45 AM
She rewrote a new one titled 'The Empowered Wife'
You may find that title more to your liking, but the message is the same -- it is one of surrender. Try it...you may find it really works!! If you feel better reading books with better titles, try Marriage Secrets. It's excellent and all Torah-based. Essential to every home.
Sarit Rubenstein, December 27, 2020 3:43 AM
Thank you for your sweet words!
I noticed my name shows up as anonymous in my original comment. That was not done on purpose. I am proud of my comments and of the wife I am today. I readily share my marriage struggles and successes on the Ladies Talkshow, a weekly marriage podcast with host Leah Richeimer. I've spoken publicly about my years of pain, my years of strive, and my years of therapy. I often wish that going into marriage I had been given more of a groundwork of how to be an awesome wife -- notice I write awesome and not simply good, since 'good wife' is not good enough when it comes to the most important relationship of one's life. I have no fear of being criticized with regards to my views on feminism and the damaging effects the feminist movement has had. Although in the workforce it has afforded women valuable rights, in the home, it is literally the cause of so much of the strife and divorce that's prevalent today. If we want amazing marriages, we must return to the dictates of the Torah. The Torah isn't simply a "nice book" to read...it's a blueprint for how one should live his/her life. And guess what? There are feminists in the Torah as well! Bnos Tzlafchod were powerful, strong, smart and capable women who changed the course of history by speaking up. My husband and I recently named our youngest daughter after one of the daughters, and will be proud for her to grow up emulating her namesake. However, no matter how powerful and strong women the women in the Torah are, they all knew their limits and the appropriate times to show their strength. In the home, a woman should be the Ezer Kenegdo to her husband, not Kenegdo! As I stated in my original comment, no one will tell you that I am a 'pathetic second' to anyone. I am strong and impactful. But by allowing my husband to gain control in the home, I am by far a happier and more satisfied wife than I have ever been. And if feminists have an issue with that, let them continue to be miserable. Mrs. Riglers words were on the mark!
(4) Lori, December 23, 2020 10:41 PM
I am surprised
I am surprised that your article attracted so many angry comments. I thought it was fairly uncontroversial to say that we should try not to criticize our spouses! It seemed like common sense advice. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. I've found that even the most innocuous article or video on the internet will somehow attract angry and negative comments!
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 3:23 PM
Well said
My thoughts exactly. All of the critical comments are obviously posted by people who are quick to criticize and slow to do self- improvement. Mrs. Rigler, ignore the hate. You are a hundred percent right, and those of us who do try and improve ourselves really appreciated the article.
(3) Anonymous, December 23, 2020 10:35 PM
No criticism
Hi Sara, It is unfortunate that you received some of the negative comments that you did. As you know, people unknowingly project much of their own feelings and perspectives onto others and I think your article was a trigger for those individuals. However, as an Imago therapist who trained w Harville Hendrix, I often help couples get to know their own story and their partner’s story so well, that criticism and triggers dissolve. When we bring light and consciousness into our relationships, there is no room for criticism. That only pollutes the relational space instead of sanctifying it. I applaud you for your article and for your response to the negative comments received. Continue your work. You are headed in the right direction :) Peace, love and health to you ??
(2) Judi, December 23, 2020 6:57 PM
Mirrors
Sara: when you challenge people to look at themselves they may not like what they see. So they will attack. Your advice is genuine, and as usual, excellent! Happy 5781
(1) Miriam Weed, December 23, 2020 4:48 PM
Decision making as a unit
Sara Rigler I am disappointed that your reaction to the feedback you received was to double down. Saying I really prefer that you not attend this event (or that you check in before I go to bed, or that we discuss whether/to what extent you plan to consume alcohol and/or gamble) is not criticism but an invitation to a discussion. Your comments also indicate that you assume/support the notion that spouses primarily relate to each other as separate individuals, rather than part of a unit. That is, the entire discussion ought best be framed as how does this situation affect us, and how do we want to approach it. That way, whatever the final decision, it would have been taken together. As such, hopefully neither one would have had to experience negative emotions. The goal should be win-win, not damage control.
Sara Rigler, December 23, 2020 5:54 PM
Author responds
He wanted to go. She didn't want him to. How would you achieve a win-win with this? He calls in during the night and wakes her up? He vows not to drink more than 3 drinks? It is a fallacy that communication always leads to the best outcome. Sometimes it just makes clear that the couple has irreconcilable differences in this particular situation. Having been happily married for 34 years, I can admit that yes, I see each spouse as a separate individual charged with working on her/his own spiritual growth. Marriage is the best laboratory for developing souls who are loving, giving, and transcendent of the ego--the reason our souls come down into the physical world.
Miriam Weed, December 23, 2020 6:39 PM
Win-win possibilities
I can think of about half a dozen different directions the conversation could have taken that would lead to win-win, whatever the decision about whether to go. Perhaps one of them would have actually changed their mind, once they understood the perspective of the other and felt their feelings were heard and appreciated. Perrhaps, indeed, the wife would have wanted to be included in her husband's evening with a phone call, whether at a time she planned to go to sleep or, yes, when he was turning in for the night, even if that meant she was awakened. Or perhaps there was a way she could have gone along, bringing a book to read or planning to watch TV until her husband joined her for the night. Or perhaps, after hearing how much his presence at night meant to his wife, he would have decided to cut the evening short and come home to sleep. Or perhaps they could have talked about plans for their anniversary, and the wife would have been happy focusing on the upcoming event, secure in the knowledge that her husband, too, valued those plans. Perhaps they simply would have gotten to know each other better (especially) if early in the marriage, with him sharing why these friendships are important to him and her sharing how important his presence is to her, such that even if she still wished he would not go, she might understand more and feel less abandoned and concerned about what he was experiencing..... Finally (no longer about the story but about your response), if people really do have irreconcilable differences, that should not be swept under the rug either.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 3:28 PM
Miriam,
Your ideas of how the situation could have been a win-win sound like control, and lack of trust to me. Her going along would not help the situation. Each person that is part of a couple is still an individual person who has the right to make choices and the freedom to make them without feeling controlled by the other. I think the way she handled it was great.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 5:05 PM
What in Miriam's response sounds like control?
Anonymous, can you point specifically to what sounds like control here?
Bunny Shuch, December 24, 2020 4:30 PM
Good points!
Hi Miriam,
You made some excellent points about how a respectful and loving conversation prior to the husband's trip may have led to a win-win. That said, it's a shame that the story led to a denigration, by some people, of the whole article, which, in its essence, had much that was important to share. While the wife in that situation felt that her behavior ended up helping her marriage, (and only she is in a position to know that) perhaps that story was not the best one to illustrate the author's message.
Anonymous, December 24, 2020 5:03 PM
???
"He wanted to go. She didn't want him to. How would you achieve a win-win with this?"
Isn't this at the core of most disagreements? And didn't you say she spoke to her husband after the fact, and he responded well to that? So why couldn't she have said the same to him before he went?
(see Steven Stosny at compassionpower.com - he also talks about avoiding criticism).