On a recent trip to The Home Depot, I wandered around the store for close to an hour searching for a pipe. I finally found it in the plumbing aisle and checked out. I didn’t really think much about this experience until I went to a women’s clothing store later that day. At that store, I walked in, asked the sales associate for the item, paid, and returned to my car. That whole experience took five minutes. Why the time disparity?
Obviously, because at the clothing store I asked for help. Why didn’t I do the same at The Home Depot? Why didn’t I simply ask one of the orange-vested employees for assistance and be out of there in 7 minutes?
At Home Depot, I believe I should know where to find an item. So asking for help would reflect a deficiency in my self-expected abilities. The result: wasting time searching for the item to avoid asking for help and feeling inadequate. At the women’s clothing store I have no such expectations. This makes asking for help easy and intuitive.
When analyzing my beliefs about shopping at Home Depot one thing becomes clear. They are completely baseless. I am not someone who frequents the store. There is no reason to expect that I would be able to locate an item. How, then, is my asking for help in any way a reflection on me?
It isn’t!
Except in my own mind.
Comfort with power tools and building supplies are all part of society’s marketing of manhood (which I subconsciously absorbed and subsequently validated). So in my mind the ability to locate an item in Home Depot is representative of my status as a man. I should know where things are. This “should” belief makes asking for help an impossibility. With no such “should” beliefs related to locating items in a women’s clothing store, asking for help is easy and obvious.
When We Ask for Help
This same internal thought dynamic exists with regard to asking for assistance with life issues that one might encounter. There are certain areas of life for which people have no qualms reaching out to others, whereas there are other categories for which one believes seeking help reflects poorly on them as a person. While determination of which areas fall within each category is truly individualistic, I would like to highlight inaccurate beliefs related to one specific category that, unfortunately, deters one from seeking assistance: Mental Health.
It is my hope that addressing some faulty beliefs may encourage individuals to make the healthy choice of seeking help, rather than feeling the need to shoulder the burden on their own. Rather than expending immeasurable time and energy “roaming the aisles” of life looking for mental health and well-being, they may find the willingness to consult a professional who can assist them in their quest for a more mentally healthy existence.
Belief #1: “Mental health issues aren’t legitimate. Everyone has issues.”
False! As evidenced by the 947 paged Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) sitting on my desk, mental illness is real. Not only is it treated by psychologists and other mental health professionals, it is also treated by real doctors who went to medical school (psychiatrists). We have hospitals that are specifically geared toward treating these issues, units in general hospitals specializing in providing treatment for mental health issues, and the very same health insurance companies that reimburse for a broken leg reimburse for psychological issues. All this points to the fact that mental illness is real.
Also, anyone who has struggled with depression, addiction, PTSD, etc. knows how very real these issues are. While many people may experiences variants of some of these issues (sadness as opposed to depression, nervousness as opposed to anxiety, feeling compelled toward something versus being addicted to it), this does nothing to diminish the validity of an actual diagnosis. Being unable to get out of bed in the morning due to an overwhelming sense of sadness (depression), being unable to function due to using substances or viewing illicit materials (addiction), a pervasive feeling of being on guard and unsafe (PTSD), or other very real experiences that match the symptom list of various psychiatric diagnoses, are both genuine and legitimate.
Meeting the symptoms requirements for a mental health diagnosis is no different than meeting criteria for a physical diagnosis.
Belief #2: “____ doesn’t need treatment.”
The blank space above could be filled with: depression, anxiety, trauma experiences, mania, substance use, gambling, grief, school struggles, relationship issues, feelings of emptiness, issues of self-esteem, amongst a variety of other topics. The issue with the above statement is the use of the word “need.” Need connotes necessity. And truth be told, none of the above issues require treatment. Just like someone with cancer does not need an oncologist, someone arrested for a crime doesn’t need a lawyer, and someone whose car isn’t working doesn’t need a mechanic.
But if one is interested in addressing any of these issues, then making use of a professional can be extremely helpful. As has been said in legal circles: “He who represents himself has a fool for a client.”
Rather than asking “Do I need treatment?” try asking, “Could treatment be helpful?” keeping in mind that you could only make an informed decision with information about the issue at hand and the treatment available.
Belief #3: “I’m flawed because I am struggling.”
Imagine your best friend confides in you that she has recently been diagnosed with depression, is meeting with a therapist, and has begun taking an antidepressant prescribed by her psychiatrist. Is the first thought that enters your mind: “Wow! I can’t believe this extremely flawed individual is someone I consider my best friend!”? Probably not. Because you don’t actually believe that struggling is an indication of deficiency. Why, then, do you have such an opinion about yourself?
Possibly because you feel flawed regardless of your psychiatric challenges, and view these issues as simply confirming your self-evaluation. They fit with your self-view, so your belief must be true.
Another option is that your role models (parents, grandparents, teachers, mentors) in life never shared about their own struggles and you therefore believed that this was not part of their narrative. If those to whom you look up to never struggled (your own belief based upon of the information not shared), then it must be that struggling is not a part of successful people’s lives. Your belief of struggle = flawed individual is borne from this speculative view of these individuals.
A third, but by no means final option, is that you have a skewed view of what it means to be human. A person, in your mind, should be perfect. You equate people to objects. Just as a dish with a crack is broken, a person can be broken, too. What represents a broken human being? Someone who cannot check off all the boxes of what it means to be the perfect person.
This view of personhood has no basis in reality. “Perfection,” as Michael J. Fox once said, “is God’s business.” Your struggles don’t make you less of a person; they are what makes you the complete and unique person that you were created to be.
Belief #4: “Treatment won’t work/help.”
How do you know? Have you tried? If so, have you tried every form of treatment with every known provider? If you can’t answer yes to these questions, then try readjusting your belief to “I am skeptical about whether my treatment efforts will pay off.” This healthy skepticism can help you fully engage in treatment with your eyes wide open for change. You can evaluate the dynamic between yourself and your provider, the modality of treatment, and gauge whether these combine to produce helpful results. If you notice positive results, then you have benefitted from giving it a try. If not, then you have the opportunity to pivot to a different provider and/or therapeutic modality or simply return to your status quo prior to treatment. Trying something doesn’t mean you are stuck with it for all eternity. Evaluate through engagement, rather than blindly generalize through avoidance.
Just Ask
The Beatles, in their song “Help!,” provided a nice synopsis of this issue. You may be saying to yourself: “I never needed anybody's help in any way,” and that makes asking for assistance with mental health issues a difficult task. Then you realize that “now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured.” Your present state of mind and functioning is no longer up to the standard you wish for yourself. Rethinking the situation, you “find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.”
With your thoughts healthily adapted, you grant yourself permission to take action and take steps to improve your life by reaching out: “Help me if you can, I'm feeling down/And I do appreciate you being 'round/Help me get my feet back on the ground/Won't you please, please help me!”
(5) Phil Kochenburger, July 23, 2020 5:15 PM
HELP! Is Good
Superb, down-to-earth article that challenges some common presumptions about Mental Health care specifically, and seeking help generally. His personal illustrations are insightful; they certainly resonated with me. I will confess, however, being a Beatles fan of a certain age, I found his use of the Beatles song “HELP!” to be particularly compelling: “When I was younger . . . never needed anybody’s help in any way . . . But now those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured; Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.” I’ve reflected on these specific lyrics often over the years, and certainly can relate to them from personal experience. Excellent article! I look forward to a “part two” where Dr. Rosman can explore the final stanza’s insight into the painful loss of autonomy and increased dependence many adults may experience as they grow older: “And now my life has changed in oh so many ways; My independence seems to vanish in the haze. But ev'ry now and then I feel so insecure; I know that I just need you like I've never done before.”
(4) Nancy, July 22, 2020 11:16 AM
Accessing good mental health care
It is not easy to find a helpful and affordable practitioner. However, there is another side of this issue. Unlike the people who have posted here, there are folks (and I have met them personally) who CAN afford to pay up front but do not want to part with their money. This type of person will gladly pay for a pair of Uggs but balks at spending money on something of an intellectual nature, Sigh.
(3) Rivka R., July 20, 2020 5:41 PM
asking for help
I have no problem with asking for help, and don't feel these comments fit me. BUT-- I do have a problem with a system that makes it impossible to get help because so many therapists, while licensed, should NEVER be therapists. And above all, the cost. I started seeing a therapist when I was nineteen, and I was very lucky. This psychiatrist was an excellent therapist, and my insurance covered his bill. But I ended up on SSD, and my insurance changed to strictly Medicare. Over the years, Medicare has changed. They pay doctors less and put the burden of payment on the patient. Mental health care is the worst. They will pay almost 100% for in-hospital treatment, but almost nothing for outpatient therapy. Ive now been on SSD since 1993, following an injury at work. My income from SSD is extremely limited and I cant afford the co-pays for ANY doctor! I have known for many years that I need to get back into therapy, but no therapist will take me because of my financial situation. So all the good my therapy with my excellent therapist is coming undone, not to mention the fact that the antidepressants, which have been like miracle drugs have skyrocketed in price (Prozac and Zoloft), and the generic Prozac doesn't work. So when I can find a GOOD therapist, who will accept Medicare as payment and waive the copay, I cant go back to therapy. ( You might want to ask why a brand name drug like Prozac, has gone from appx. $50./mo to $700./mo after being on the market for over 30 years!!)
(2) Peggy J. Knox, July 19, 2020 7:38 PM
Mental Care when one doesn't have money is not always avilable
One is placed ON a waiting list that can take up to three years and then even that takes a threat to get a possible chance at treatment. I have several disorders, have no money, cannot take meds. One of my disorders is so rare if 3% of psychiatrists ever see it in their career, that number is too high. Funding for mental health is second from the bottom in the U.S. Most mental illness is organic.t I was heading towards 50 when I saw a film was t through an electron microscope as a person is being formed and the random division of cells that I realized I didn't do anything to get my disorders as society, psychiatry and medicine tried to blame us with a label -- mental patient, When I chose to be Jew, it was the Torah that showed me I was worth someone. G-d loved no matter what. I have been a mental advocate for many years, working to get bills passed, I will never give up the fight for laws, and being and not being ashamed of having mental disorders.. I am 72 years old and I've been trying to get help on a regular basis since I was 22. The prognosis on me at 26 was hopeless, unreachable and I would die in the backward of state hospital if I didn't kill myself first. I was so inside myself I couldn't talk. A therapist tried one last time. If he hadn't been concentrating, he would have missed the sign that I wanted someone to come in and get me, I used my small finger and touch his hand. He said he knew hen I wanted someone to help me get out. It took him 2 years. I may never get the help I need, but I will fight for laws and attitude changes until mental disorders are on the same level as all illnesses.
(1) Anonymous, July 19, 2020 7:25 PM
mental health
Asking for help is a joke. So many individuals with severe mental health issues claim they are fine, they need no help, they are really too sick to make any kind of judgement. However, after the age of 18, we have taken all rights away from parents and siblings, even those in the medical profession, and they and they alone can make decisions. The average psychiastrist who went to medical school perscribes medication, does not counsel, and psychologists and social workers do the conseling and are often incompetent and wrong.